Photography of us living

We just had a fabulous day. We did the Monorail route; Sydney Aquarium and Wildlife Park in the morning and the Maritime Museum and the Powerhouse in the afternoon. Levi loved it, but the Powerhouse was his way ahead favourite. He was just exhausted by the afternoon and the only way to get him to walk home to the Hotel was to get an icecream in the beginning and his attention was on that and not his feet.

It is so much fun. Levi is very happy and very sound asleep now and he has been really fun to have around. He tends to be fairly compliant when we are out of the comfort zone of the farm and his school. He got to the point at the Powerhouse where he just came and laid his head in my lap and said;

"We really just need to go home to the Hotel"

So we did!

Photography Vs Living

We had a great day. I had to wake Levi to get out to the plane on time, but he is great about it all and just gave me a sleepy smile and said;

"Thanks Mum"

It was actually a fun trip down. We just played together. It's been a while since I've had time to just play with Levi at his pace and playing games that he wants to. Levi of course just loves it! He was a champion when we got to Sydney, wrestling our bags onto trains and walking to our hotel. It is the first time that I have attempted something big without the security blanket of some sort of stroller. Tomorrow we have a bit more walking but we have less weight to carry so he should be OK. The hotel is walking distance to Central Station and close to the Powerhouse which is our first step tomorrow.

Today I also took no photos. I'm sure that I'll make up for it tomorrow but it is great to just have fun days doing fun things without seeing life through the lens of the camera. I love to photograph people (esp My people) and things but I try to also have days when I am watching Levi hard rather than watching for a shot.

It is hard I think because there is a part of me that still just thinks that Levi is here short term. Don't get me wrong, I am not worried about him and I would never like to live without him, but there are times that my mind says; "Well Frank was only here a short time. That's what happens to your kids". I know cognitively that it is wrong, but emotionally I think I am sometimes driven to have memories, not just in my head but also that I can put my hands on if something goes wrong. I just pray that I will never need them, but at the same time the photos that I have of Frank help me at really bad times. It helps to see how much he smiled. A real smile that didn't talk of pain and fear but this beautifully free smile that spoke of love and comfort and more than anything, knowing his place in life. If there was a single thing that is true of Frank; he knew what his job on earth was and by golly, he was happy because he was doing it well. He knew where he fit in the world and was secure in that knowledge. When I am in a good place, I realize that really that is all we ever need to know about life and love.

So, I won't punish myself by not taking photos, I will rejoice in the days that I do and enjoy the days that I don't. Most of all I just love letting Levi go to sleep in my arms and will watch him go with joy but just the tinges of sadness for the boy who went before. There will be nights that I just watch him sleep and many photos of him sleeping. I love that he sleeps peacefully, soundly and painfree. I love that he breathes easily and that he still regularly laughs in his sleep. I love that boy so much.

Besides have you seen how small a 5 year old looks snuggled up in a King size bed!

Holidays

Levi and I are both on holidays now. It may be as much as a week before I can get back to the computer, but we will both be having loads of fun!! We fly to Sydney on Monday and are staying at a place in Haymarket. I don't really know that area at all but I figure that we are pretty safe as there is really nowhere in Sydney unsafe in daylight and Levi dinner is at 5.30 and in bed by 7 so we will be back in the hotel before dark.

I plan to go to Cockatoo Island to see the exploding cars and for the free ferry. We will do the Powerhouse and the Maritime museum. I will work on seeing how many modes of public transport we can use in 4 days. I am amazed at how differently I am organizing this trip compared to the last time. The last time we had Ross and Evan only (Well Levi was there but only 2 months old) and they are both animal type people, so our trip was more Taronga Zoo, Wildlife Park oriented. This time it's all about machines. I hope we will meet up with my aunt down there and will give her a call tomorrow. It is hard because at 70 some her body clock is so different to that of a 5 year old, it will be amazing if we can get them at the same place at the same time. We will also visit the photography shop and subsequently the US Consulate. Then we can complete the real reason that we are in Sydney.

Today was fun. We went to the park and the kids scootered around and around and around. It was great to see these guys again and it had been a while. I love that Levi can wear out some of his boy energy with another kid. It makes life so much easier for me. Tonight he was bundled into bed because we ARE NOT missing another swimming lesson because he decides to sleep in the one morning we have no other option.

Control

My little man loves to have control. He loves to know that he has a say in how his world works. He has started to want to 'stay up and read' before bed and I have started letting him. If I make him go to bed he will, but if I let him read for a bit he actually goes to bed happier, calms and relaxes himself and then drifts happily off to sleep. That is just an example. I don't know how much control is right for kids. It is one of the things that I contemplate at times.

I remember very little control over my childhood. It is likely the result of being one of six, but things get pretty regimented when there is lots of different needs all at once. I remember all eating at a time designated by the many and sleeping at a designated time. We had naps regardless of if we had grown out of them, because everyone needed downtime. I even remember my boyfriends being vetted with me or them 'warned off' by an overzealous big brothers. None of these things are really a bad thing for the adult that is me, but it chafed as the child/teen aged me. I think that it is just easier to give more control to the children with fewer of them. Don't get me wrong if it was even vaguely possible, I would have had more children, but it was not to be. That said perhaps I can give Levi a bit more control over his life.

It is hard to find that medium road. Kids need boundaries I accept that, but I also feel that there really is the option to allow him to exercise some control. I don't want to be one of those parents that gives so much control to the kids, that they live their lives through the kids. I don't know what is right but I am going to try to give Levi a bit of a say in his own life, even if some of the times I do it through gritted teeth. There will be times that I give him control, only to take it away again if he is too young or doesn't cope with that freedom.

When Frank was sick, it was really hard to give him some sort of control. Hell, I had no control so how could I give any to Frankie. The only ability I had was to let him choose which limb they could use to put in an IV. I could listen to him and go to the doctor when he told me to. I could hold his hand and be frustrated by our combined lack of control. I could respect his right to die, when he was ready to. Still I have no idea how to create control when there is none. I struggled to even create the illusion of control for my son.

Then there is the internet. How do you control something so inherently uncontrollable? I think hard about posting names on this blog. I am very hesitant about posting names and photos of other people. It is hard enough to remember every time, that although I want to write what I think, I also need to remember, that once it is on the internet, it is on there forever. I want to remember the things that Levi says and does, but I don't want him to regret being young. Most of us grew up in a time when most of what we said wasn't even within hearing of an adult, let alone recorded and remembered. We have yet to see what becomes of these children. The ones that have had their lives opened to look at, and for the rest of the world to pour over and critic. I hope when my little man looks back on all of this, he does so happily. I hope I can steer between talking about what we have done and what I think; and protecting my friends and relatives from those on the internet seeking to harm. I guess we'll find out.......in about 15 years!

Now where did I store that child?

This morning I couldn't find Levi. Look where I found him! And Look how much happier he was this morning! At least I know where I can put him when I don't have enough space.

On another note...is there anything sweeter than a sleeping child, esp one that you love. Of course there are not many kids that I don't love or end up loving, but still, they seem to have the ability to completely relax into the sweetest expressions of peace.

One and a half more days of work and then three weeks off. I just can't wait, but I think that Levi is more excited than I.

Crankiness all Around

Today I had to leave work early because Levi was upset at After School Care. Of course, by the time that I got there he was happily playing and was happy to stay. I took him home anyway and we went for Cheap Tuesday Pizza. Basically we were both cranky as bears. We are both getting tired and desperate for holiday. I am more and more sure that taking an extra week off for the holidays is a very good idea.

Tonight as we lay in bed chatting about the day, I said;

"You were a bit cranky and whiny this afternoon. Do you know why?"

His answer was;

"But you were cranky too Mum. Then I get more whingey too"

I said;

"You are right honey I was cranky too. Let's both have a good night sleep and try to not be as cranky tomorrow."

He was happy then and snuggled in and went to sleep. I hope that all his (and my) problems are solved that easily in the future. Now I have two and a half days to go before I am officially on holidays, and and can't wait. There is a cranky, whiny, sleeping boy in there who can't wait as well.

Best Mother in the Universe

Levi was chatting with his mate Ty the other day and they were sitting in the sandpit. Ty said to Levi;

"Is your mother really the best mother in the universe?"

Levi's answer (We think! Ty's Dad was laughing so hard he thinks that he may have missed it);

"No"

When Levi doesn't say Thanks or one of the other myriad of small things that he should do but they aren't bad enough for a real correction, Levi gets; "Thanks Mum, Best Mother in the Universe". Mostly that is enough for him to say Thanks or whatever else he was supposed to have said. I think Ty's Dad was being nice. I'm sure that Levi said No. For a start he gets sarcasm, but on top of that the last thing that I would want to be is the 'Best Mother in the Universe'. That would be really scary.

The Mother brigade can be really scary. The people using disposable nappies don't like the ones who use cloth and both are irreversibly right. Those who immunize on time are derided by those who think that immunizations are the root of all evil. Then if one of the poor kids get diagnosed with something life altering and dream shattering like autism, it is then somehow the mother's fault for agreeing to immunize. The fight is the same over circumcision, organic foods, prolonged breast feeding. You all know it, and other mothers can be just so cruel to each other. I find it such a pity. There are so many reasons why we should support each other, but for some reason we are all fighting to be the "Best Mother in the Universe".

My mother hates the way that I bring up my little boy. You always do something wrong for the generation on either side. I'm sure that Levi will look back on his childhood and wish for something different. Maybe that is why there are so many parenting books. Maybe we are searching for the right way to parent. The way that will be perfect. I'm afraid however that the methods of parenting are as varied as the children we care for. I can only do what I can do. I can only parent how I see fit and protect him from those who see life in a negative way. The rest I can leave to his psychiatrist in the future.

So, I am going to let him sleep in my bed as long as he wants

And I am going to make him say Thank you and Please

And I am going to love that boy...................forever!

Weekend Painting and Parties

This weekend was an exercise in extremes for me. Levi had a quiet one and went painting one afternoon with Jane and Sally. We went to dinner with a family on Saturday as well,and the kids there got along so well, I didn't leave until 9. Consequently Levi missed swimming again, This time because he was so sound asleep that he didn't wake after I put on the lights and shook him. Then I decided if he was really that tired, I probably should let him sleep. At least he woke up for soccer and had a great practice, right up until he was found lying on the ground behind the goal by the coach. The coach asked if he was OK and he said that he was just really tired. It was a great weekend!

However in the background of all of that, I knew that one little girl that I look after at work was really sick in the Children's ICU. I would love to be able to fully support parents in this situation, but I also don't want to intrude. Of course, it breaks up my sleep with thoughts and memories of when I too stood over my child in multiple ICUs over that year. It is hard to not think about her and worry about the next night for her and the one after and the ones after that. I am sending you healing thoughts and prayers little one. Lots of people love you!

Caps for Sale!

I turned around Friday morning and here he was, every cap we own on his head and a cheeky grin. It reminded me of that kids book "Caps for Sale" about the peddler and pesky monkeys. He was very cute. As the days get shorter Levi is sleeping in more but I think that some of that is that he is getting tired toward the end of term.

Holiday thoughts

It is only one more week and I get to go on holidays. I am so excited I can barely breathe. I think that I can get there but it is amazing how excited I am. I talked to a friend today who knows lots about Sydney and she gave me so many ideas, I actually think that there won't be enough time there. I was a bit nervous that the Sydney trip would look more like a theme park tour, but there are more things to do than I thought. I think that Levi will just love it.

I can't wait to take him there now. Then we have a week of day trips in BrisVegas and then I hope we will be on the road relocating a campervan. I love the idea of random holidays. Trips where just a minute ago you didn't know what you were doing and then suddenly there are all these possibilities in front of you. Endless really.

I tell you I just can't wait!!

Car Conversations

"Mum, Luke's Chicken has a rock on it's head"

There was this odd statement from the back seat of the car.

"Is it alright?"

"No, it is dead"

"Really?"

"Yes, It died and they buried it and then put a rock on it's head"

Now the light was starting to shine in the light bulb in my head. Then of course came the bombshell.

"Why did Frankie get burned up but the chicken got a rock on it's head"

It is strange when Levi chooses to talk about Frank and things about Frank that he is trying to work out. He accepted the whole conversation that the real part that was Frankie was gone somewhere else and all that was burned was just dead like the chicken. He talked about heaven and it got me wondering where that came from, given that I am not sure that there is a Heaven the way that my more religious friends see it. Levi is very matter of fact about death and we talked about how it wasn't scary. Levi had a very happy outlook on the whole thing. I am glad.

Then he said that he was glad that Frankie and I would be waiting for him and that I had Frankie waiting for me. I said that it was OK to wait a long time for him. Levi said that I had to wait for him because I was older than he was. He laughed;

You'll have to wait for me Mum, because kids don't die"

And I thought "Oh I wish honey, I wish so much that were true"

Oh I wish so much that there was that balance. Not just for me, but for all those kids I love out there and all the ones I love but don't know. Oh I wish!

Queen's Birthday Kidfest

Here are the kids playing outside!!

Shower Carnage

My shower is the scene of a crime. Actually several crimes if you cut the fact that it needs to be cleaned really badly. I went in to have a shower tonight and dinosaurs were eating each other. Levi got the dinosaurs for his birthday and he loves them. Mostly they fight each other. At least in the shower it will be a clean kill.

Today was the Queen's birthday. It is all a bit unrealistic as a public holiday. First of all the queen is irrelevant to Australia now. Secondly the queen's birthday is not even in June. However I am just happy to have a day off regardless. We had a very busy day. First Ruby's Mum had no sleep last night because baby Hugo is teething. It meant that we spent a lot of time with Ruby today. Levi went to play with her in the morning and then in the afternoon, she came to our house, along with Luke and Nate and then Harry as well. Basically we had kids coming out of our ears this afternoon. They dug in the sandpit and played on the cubby. They rode bikes and/or scooters. They played with playmobils and Legos.

It was a freezing day and even in the sun, with the wind it was quite cold. The kids were so active though I'm sure they didn't notice. It was very fun to watch. The kids all have very different personalities and yet they get along very well. It is fun to watch them learn how to get along with each other without having to intervene every few minutes.

Pirate Circus

We went to a performance today by the Flying Fruit Fly Circus. They were doing a pirate show which was great but they misjudged a few things. The story line was good except way too mature for the ages they were advertising for. The littler kids all cried the microsecond that it started because there was crashing and a very scary man. The story was this ship of pirates who had lost their captain. First they fought each other for the Captaincy. Then they asked for volunteers from the audience who joined them as 'crew'. Of course the audience members were part of the circus. Then the captain came back and they had some fights again. But then they lost Levi. Then they ran out of food and decided that they should eat the kids from the audience. Poor Levi just couldn't really cope. This little voice beside me:

"Mum Are they going to hurt those kids?"

"No, It is all fake. Everything is fake."

"But they have knifes"

"They are fake. It is all a performance honey. No one will get hurt"

"I want to go home"

It was over fairly quickly after that and we went to play in the park. I think that helped relax him a little afterward. For Levi, the best part was the train trip to and from. He was very excited to be on the train with his mate Ty.

Birthday still

We went to Sizzler for his birthday. Pretty much it was me and Mim and Pam. I think we were all ready for a little 'not have to cook' dining. It has been a busy few weeks for me with this course at the Royal Children's to get over with. I think the participants got a lot out of it, but I was back and forwards to and from work as well which made the parts I didn't have to organize a little disjointed. I am going to be grateful to have it off my plate and get back to real work for a while. Actually that is not completely true. I only have to work for about 2 weeks and then I am on vacation for three weeks with Levi, so I am hoping at the end of all of that I will be very relaxed.

Levi had Jane as his teacher the last two days because she is supply teaching and his teacher has been ill. He loves to have her there and gets a real kick out of the idea. All of his friends love it too because they are so used to seeing Jane they get a surprise when she is their teacher.

Happy Birthday Little Mancub

Look how far you have come little man. This was only four years ago and now look at you. Levi is now very proud of the fact that today he was able to move his name from the section of the wall that had the four year olds on it to the five year old spot. He has been more excited about that than almost anything. It is funny, he gets such a kick out of things like that.

I love that he has a sense of humor and that it kicks in at times I least expect it. I love that he is confident but that he still is empathetic. The only thing that will really upset him is if he thinks that he is doing the correct thing and someone tells him that he is doing something wrong. He loves the order of the world but is flexible enough to cope with the major curve balls that life has already sent his way. He loves his brothers, all of them, the living and the dead and he talks about them often. I love that he reminds me of Frank but never so much that I expect him to live for someone else. I love that he is still a Mama's boy and that he wants to do a sleepover but is surprised when he is told that I wouldn't stay too. Most of all I love that tonight when I get into bed I can snuggle up against you and feel you breathe and know that you are happy and healthy; loved and loving.

Such a beautiful soul. I love you Birthday Boy. Happy fifth birthday!

Birthday Eve

Tomorrow Levi wakes up and he is five years old. It is amazing. He is amazing. This week he read his first sentence in a book he hadn't really seen before. He read a sentence from "Ten Apples up on top" and it is a very phonetic book. The words are all short and sound-out-able and it was just lovely to watch but it does signal the beginning of the end. It is the end of the innocent time when he isn't really influenced by the outside world's advertising and opinions. Once he can really read though I think that he is suddenly open to the barrage of influences that I have very little control over. In a way I am excited by what he will see in those influences as he has a great way of looking at life, but I am also nervous, that he sees too many of the nasty things out there that I can just ignore at the moment, because he can't read the newspaper, or billboards, or any other of the numerous random words that are out there.

I wonder where he will be in five more years. Certainly five years ago, I never anticipated that I would be here. In fact it would have been the last place that I would have expected to be. In five years Levi will be in Grade 5 and he will be one of the older kids in the school and not one of the youngest two children there. The youngest of all turns five in two weeks. Strange how the world turns.

I told him about the trip to Sydney today and now he has something else to count down to. Frankly I am counting down as well. I am in the middle of the Back to Basics course and have a bunch of young physios that I need to look after tomorrow and after that things will calm down a little. Then two weeks and then a three week break.....but who's counting

Say What?

Today is Wednesday. At least it has been all day. I had so much trouble all day trying to work out what day it actually is. Finally tonight I am working out that it is actually Tuesday. Levi slept in this morning. I mean really slept in. He was still sleeping when I left in the morning and I gave him a kiss and he still didn't wake up. Actually if he had at that point it would have put me back about 20 minutes, so I am grateful that he didn't.

I am at the Royal Children's Hospital every day this week helping with the Back to Basics course. I have to present tomorrow but there are chunks of time that I am just listening. I am not good at sitting still and doing little but looking professional. Then on Thursday I have to have a bunch of young Physios at the office. Unfortunately that day is also Levi's birthday for real so I will not be able to take the traditional cupcakes to his class. I guess we can add that to the list of things he gets to tell his shrink in the future.

There are some days I just wish that I was richer. I just wish that I could be the mother that hand made cupcakes and took them in on his birthday and dropped him at the door of school and picked him up. I wish that I could just work because I wanted to and not so much that I can't think anymore. I just don't really feel completely in control at home or at work. I have to dance around in both places and can only really be me with just Levi or by myself. If I confide in someone, I am in trouble for not confiding in who I 'should' have been confiding in. If I keep things to myself I'm in trouble. If I think of an idea for a holiday and excitedly tell someone, I am in trouble for not telling the 'correct' person first. I just cant get it right. Frankly I'm tired of trying to get it right all the time

Birthday Bash

The kids had loads of fun. It was a very long weekend, but it was fantabulous. Levi had a lot of fun and remains high on sugar and happiness. He is very cute with it all and loved the attention. We played a game that was translated from a drinking game, but he can tell that to his shrink down the track. You had to roll the dice and if you got two numbers that added to five, or one of the dice showed the number five; then you got to run to the table, put on a hat, a vest and gloves and eat lollies with a fork. Now because that number of fives was not sure enough, we had two sets of dice running at the same time. Now the kids were all on a sugar high.

We split the kids up into teams and they had five tasks to do , five things to find out and five things to collect. It was great! They all had a team leader and the kids all worked together really well. One of the tasks was to paint a plaster train. There was also putting their hand prints on the canvas that I will put up in Levi's room (after I've fixed it a bit). One of the other tasks was to get a photo of the team on the cubby. It means that I got a good photo of all the kids.

Nino had organized a jumping castle, but it didn't show. After she called around to find it, they had lost the order. They managed to bring one out at about 5ish and we got to have it for a few hours free. It was perfect because the kids had loads of fun and then just as they were winding down, they had the castle appear and it all started again.

Today was very quiet, other than the swimming training and soccer. Part way through soccer, Levi just lay down on the ground and put his head on the ball. The coaches tried a couple of times to get him going but then just let him lie there until he picked himself up and joined again. The rest of the team were as bad. Most of them had also been at the party. I could just start to see a decade in the future, and the aftermath will be very alike, with perhaps a little more nausea.

He is sleeping again tonight, hard. Last night he got up about 9.30pm and was crying because;

"I don't know if it's morning or night and my body can't work it out"

Sounded like 'way too tired' to me. I just snuggled him up and told him it was night. Ah to be five and everything solved that easily.

Still looking after his Mama

I think that when I read over these later down the track, I will think that I am still struggling with losing Frankie. It isn't really true. There are parts of each day that I have a sad moment. Parts of each day where I long for something different, but it's not all day. Most of the day I am truly happy, or excited or just busy. I am working hard to get ready for Levi's fifth birthday party tomorrow. At the same time I am fighting a cold and sore throat. I spent a longer moment than normal today missing Frank. It is always hard when Levi achieves some milestone. Any milestone really. I always spend more time missing Frankie.

Today I was driving around completing little things that will make tomorrow perfect and other late pick ups of fresh stuff. I was thinking that I was really missing Frank and how much fun it would be to plan this sort of thing with him. I thought that I wished Frank would just write his name in the sky or something, just to let me know that he was still there for me. I looked up and there was an 'F' in the clouds. I felt loved and watched over. Regardless of the numerous reasons why the clouds would just form that way without any 'divine' assistance, I still felt loved. It felt like Frankie was still looking after his Mama, even after all this time.

Gearing Up

It will be party time here soon. The plaster trains are all made and drying. The activities are getting set and squared away. Debs is going to take Levi Friday afternoon to play with Jules and Theo, so I have some small chance of getting organized, cleaned up and everything mowed without one excited crazed human energy ball helping me. Helping in the loosest sense of the word. Everything is about the number 5 and all the activities must number five. You know how it goes.

"The number shall not be four"
"The number shall definitely not be three"

I think this will be a very fun weekend, followed by a very long hard week at work. Levi has his real birthday on Thursday next week. I always swore that I would take him out on his birthday and just have a Mum and Levi day. I always thought that I could organize my way out of anything. I was wrong...already! It is only his first year at school and I still couldn't do it. On the bright side at least I didn't disappoint him by setting up a pattern and then changing it. He doesn't even know that I was hoping to do that. The next weekend is a long one. I have no idea why. Labour day maybe? Queen's Birthday? Who knows, it's a Monday off and I am thinking of fun day trips to entertain us.

Stacks and Stacks

OK, this kid is trying really hard to be completely banged up for his party this weekend. On the way to the car from school he fell. Normally we race to the car and he 'wins' and then laughs hysterically. This time he tripped about half way down and took out his knee. I think there will be no part left to photograph at his party that hasn't some injury from some stack.

Actually I was feeling fragile anyway. I was driving to pick him up from school and thought "What if something happened to him?" It is so strange. I am not naturally a morbid person, but every now and then when I am feeling a little tired or low, a random thought will jump up and mug me. When Frank was alive, I would always comfort myself with the thought that "If I had thought about it, it wasn't going to happen". I think that was true and not true of Frank. So much of what happened to him and to us was so far out of left field it was impossible to predict and the things that I was trying to preempt rarely happened. Of course at the time, I kept thinking that Frank couldn't die because I had admitted it was a possibility. That of course was wrong too.

My work isn't fabulous either at the moment. The big cheeses are deciding things and that also makes me nervous. There is so much to do at the moment and I think that they will be adding to the problem rather than helping me out at all. I just wish there was a bit more direction. I am not liking the shift. However I still love my kids and what we do. I just wish I could just see the kids and hang all the paperwork!