Control

My little man loves to have control. He loves to know that he has a say in how his world works. He has started to want to 'stay up and read' before bed and I have started letting him. If I make him go to bed he will, but if I let him read for a bit he actually goes to bed happier, calms and relaxes himself and then drifts happily off to sleep. That is just an example. I don't know how much control is right for kids. It is one of the things that I contemplate at times.

I remember very little control over my childhood. It is likely the result of being one of six, but things get pretty regimented when there is lots of different needs all at once. I remember all eating at a time designated by the many and sleeping at a designated time. We had naps regardless of if we had grown out of them, because everyone needed downtime. I even remember my boyfriends being vetted with me or them 'warned off' by an overzealous big brothers. None of these things are really a bad thing for the adult that is me, but it chafed as the child/teen aged me. I think that it is just easier to give more control to the children with fewer of them. Don't get me wrong if it was even vaguely possible, I would have had more children, but it was not to be. That said perhaps I can give Levi a bit more control over his life.

It is hard to find that medium road. Kids need boundaries I accept that, but I also feel that there really is the option to allow him to exercise some control. I don't want to be one of those parents that gives so much control to the kids, that they live their lives through the kids. I don't know what is right but I am going to try to give Levi a bit of a say in his own life, even if some of the times I do it through gritted teeth. There will be times that I give him control, only to take it away again if he is too young or doesn't cope with that freedom.

When Frank was sick, it was really hard to give him some sort of control. Hell, I had no control so how could I give any to Frankie. The only ability I had was to let him choose which limb they could use to put in an IV. I could listen to him and go to the doctor when he told me to. I could hold his hand and be frustrated by our combined lack of control. I could respect his right to die, when he was ready to. Still I have no idea how to create control when there is none. I struggled to even create the illusion of control for my son.

Then there is the internet. How do you control something so inherently uncontrollable? I think hard about posting names on this blog. I am very hesitant about posting names and photos of other people. It is hard enough to remember every time, that although I want to write what I think, I also need to remember, that once it is on the internet, it is on there forever. I want to remember the things that Levi says and does, but I don't want him to regret being young. Most of us grew up in a time when most of what we said wasn't even within hearing of an adult, let alone recorded and remembered. We have yet to see what becomes of these children. The ones that have had their lives opened to look at, and for the rest of the world to pour over and critic. I hope when my little man looks back on all of this, he does so happily. I hope I can steer between talking about what we have done and what I think; and protecting my friends and relatives from those on the internet seeking to harm. I guess we'll find out.......in about 15 years!