Photography Vs Living

We had a great day. I had to wake Levi to get out to the plane on time, but he is great about it all and just gave me a sleepy smile and said;

"Thanks Mum"

It was actually a fun trip down. We just played together. It's been a while since I've had time to just play with Levi at his pace and playing games that he wants to. Levi of course just loves it! He was a champion when we got to Sydney, wrestling our bags onto trains and walking to our hotel. It is the first time that I have attempted something big without the security blanket of some sort of stroller. Tomorrow we have a bit more walking but we have less weight to carry so he should be OK. The hotel is walking distance to Central Station and close to the Powerhouse which is our first step tomorrow.

Today I also took no photos. I'm sure that I'll make up for it tomorrow but it is great to just have fun days doing fun things without seeing life through the lens of the camera. I love to photograph people (esp My people) and things but I try to also have days when I am watching Levi hard rather than watching for a shot.

It is hard I think because there is a part of me that still just thinks that Levi is here short term. Don't get me wrong, I am not worried about him and I would never like to live without him, but there are times that my mind says; "Well Frank was only here a short time. That's what happens to your kids". I know cognitively that it is wrong, but emotionally I think I am sometimes driven to have memories, not just in my head but also that I can put my hands on if something goes wrong. I just pray that I will never need them, but at the same time the photos that I have of Frank help me at really bad times. It helps to see how much he smiled. A real smile that didn't talk of pain and fear but this beautifully free smile that spoke of love and comfort and more than anything, knowing his place in life. If there was a single thing that is true of Frank; he knew what his job on earth was and by golly, he was happy because he was doing it well. He knew where he fit in the world and was secure in that knowledge. When I am in a good place, I realize that really that is all we ever need to know about life and love.

So, I won't punish myself by not taking photos, I will rejoice in the days that I do and enjoy the days that I don't. Most of all I just love letting Levi go to sleep in my arms and will watch him go with joy but just the tinges of sadness for the boy who went before. There will be nights that I just watch him sleep and many photos of him sleeping. I love that he sleeps peacefully, soundly and painfree. I love that he breathes easily and that he still regularly laughs in his sleep. I love that boy so much.

Besides have you seen how small a 5 year old looks snuggled up in a King size bed!