Rocking in a Corner

Today is a bad day.  It is a 'rock in the corner' day and I hate days like this.  I came home and did what I do to 'rock in a corner'.  I played Age of Empires!  It makes me think enough to not be able to think about anything else but not enough to require real thought or emotion.  I am sad and tired.  I am tired of trying to fight something so much bigger than I am.  I can't beat this.  I try and I work hard but I still fail hand over fist and some days it is just that much more obvious than other days.  Today was one of those days that it came up and punched me in the face.

Last night one of my little clients fell over and cut himself.  He isn't much older than Levi, a month or so only.  He needed stitches and wouldn't sit still, so they decided to use a light anaesthetic, an inhaled one.  He died fifteen minutes later.  I so wish, so many things.  I wish that I had been in the room to stop that fatal mistake.  I wish they had checked the app on a phone a mere meter from the bed he lay on, that said unequivocally not to use inhaled anaesthetic given his diagnosis.  I wish that he didn't need the app because he didn't have a diagnosis to begin with.  I love what I do but I love these kids.  I remember his happy face and how it would light up as he saw you.  He had games that just he and I would play and he remembered them in the gaps between our visits.  I remember him humming when I first took him scuba diving because he was so happy.  I didn't know what the noise was and I pulled him to the surface and when I told him why I had surfaced us both, he laughed.

I am feeling bad for other people today too and wish and hope that they find support.  I hope his father finds what he needs and I hope his mother is able to find peace.  I hope that she is able to forgive in the future.  Maybe it isn't possible now, but I hope she can do just that in the future.  No one did anything maliciously, it was an action repeated in thousands of ER's with no ill effect.  Anger only hurts you.  It eats away your insides and it won't help you find peace.  It might help get you through the first few days and weeks but long term, with anger, everyone loses.

I am feeling sorry for a young doctor who is likely also rocking in a corner tonight.  A doctor who will never make that mistake again.  A doctor who will now struggle to come to terms with something; something that is going to haunt his dreams for a very long time.  My thoughts and hopes for peace goes to you too my friend.  Mistakes at McDonalds and someone eats a different hamburger but mistakes in an ER can can be catastrophic.  While we are humans looking after humans, there will be empathy and there will be mistakes.  I can only hope that we all learn from them.  I can only hope that somehow we can change the system enough now to prevent this happening again.

I love you little man.  I will remember you too.  Rest safe.