It is hard on weeks like this, to not think about Frankie. It is hard enough on a week that a client dies. It is hard enough without that in this dread six weeks. The six weeks between April 1st and May 16th I dread every year. I am a bit off my game; not at work but when I can relax at home. It is harder still when that client is so like Levi; in age, in what he plays with and in what he loves. I am still really raw from this. I do so much better when death is 'expected' or even 'a blessing'. I can always say to myself that there is a release in those, even when the death is a child, or even my own beloved son. This is harder for me to justify in my own skull.
I dreamed about them both last night; not Frankie and Levi but Frankie and the little guy that died, lets call him John. It is a strange thing for me to dream at all. Normally I don't remember dreams and if I do, they are bad dreams, but this was perhaps a gift. I dreamed about Frankie and John running toward me. I remember them both smiling and laughing. I remember that they were running; without weakness, without respiratory distress. It was just two little laughing boys running. It was lovely. Perhaps it was a gift. Perhaps it was a glimpse into heaven; a heaven without Pulmonary Hemosiderosis or Duchenne Muscular Dystrophy. That is a heaven that I would strive for. It reminds me to look at the world the way I looked at it after Frankie's death.
When Frankie died I found the world almost unbearably beautiful. I was lonely without him but was able to get real pleasure from things that most people forget to look at. I found that sunsets were heartbreaking and I could watch the leaves moving in the wind for hours. I could see beauty in everything, not just the standard things. After Frank died, I felt that God was so much closer to me, but it wasn't because God was closer but because I had changed and I could feel how close he had always been. I saw the beauty that had been around me all along.
My God is not the standard one, nor is my heaven. I am sure of both of those things, but that is about all I am sure of. I don't see heaven as a place where a ticket collector called Peter cashes in your Jesus card as you pass through, throwing out those without a ticket. I would never understand that at all. I can only believe that is not the case. I can hope that Frankie and John are happily playing together, perhaps with Ethan under the watchful loving eyes of my father and brother. I will think about that as I go to sleep tonight and maybe, just maybe, I'll look into heaven again tonight, even if it is just my mind leading me there.
You're right; Peter doesn't stand at the gate and cash in your "Jesus card". But if you haven't accepted Christ as your personal Savior & asked Him to forgive your sins, you WON'T have eternal life in heaven with Him. You just won't. I'm sorry to be so blunt, but it's the truth. And yes, I know we can argue theology forever and you will tell me I have no way of knowing that my truth is the "right" truth, but I'm telling you, it is. Your version of heaven is not going to be what saves you. Accepting Jesus is the only way. I'm sorry that you don't like that, but it's how it is. The One who created you made the rules and that's how He said it would be. Whether or not we accept it, like it or not has absolutely no bearing on the reality of what will happen on Judgment Day. You could say you don't believe in gravity, but that wouldn't stop you from falling to your death if you stepped out of a window on the 10th floor of a building. Refusing to believe something doesn't negate its existence.
ReplyDeleteI AM truly, sincerely sorry that your heart is hurting so much over John's death. I can understand why it would remind you of Frankie & even Levi, and I wish I could give you a hug.