Tomorrow morning is Ethan's funeral. I don't think that I will take Levi. We had a long talk about it tonight before he went to bed and he said that he "had already said goodbye to Ethan and he didn't need to tell Ethan that." He is right. I think that I need to go to support Tracey and the family, but I will struggle. I think Levi will do better at school. I think that I would do better with him beside me but it is not his job to support me. I don't mind showing him that adults get sad and that they grieve but I draw the line at requiring he be a support for me. I have seen too many adults doing that.
I am being dragged back to that night for me and it is hard to escape that comparison. I remember those nights with clarity sometimes, but the memory is blurred as well. I think that it is hard to remember that much pain. I think that your body protects your mind from that kind of pain. I remember sitting down to write Frankie's eulogy and how hard that it was to try to have people understand what I wanted to say. I didn't want them to perseverate on the tragedy of it all. His life was worth more than that. It still is. His life showed so many people how it was possible to approach life with courage, determination and above all humour. His approach to death was just an echo of his life. I don't doubt that Frankie is now "looking after Ethan". I just wish Ethan's parents had more time with him to do it themselves.
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