Today was a weird day. I went to the doctor. Actually backing up a little, I have been having problems with a bunch of things but mostly that I seem to have a never ending cramping. Sometimes being a woman really sucks on multiple levels. Anyway, I went to the local doctor in October to report these symptoms. He said to do a bunch of blood tests and an ultrasound. The doctor said that if there was a problem with anything, he would give me a call. Then I got nothing from him. My assumption was that I was being a wimp and needed to suck it up a little. So I got tireder and the symptoms continued.
Then about a month ago, I went to the doctor (different one) to get a referral for a hand therapist, because my thumb still hasn't returned to normal. I asked about the tests and it seems that way back in October I was already anaemic and had all the signs of iron deficiency. By April all of that had become much worse. So now I get to go to surgery on Friday, which I am still a bit stressed about. It isn't the surgery, it is just the idea of permanently being unable to have children. OK I know that I am too old and I know that, really, my chances of even finding the partner at this stage is unlikely. But still, there is a part of me that grieves that part. Yes it sucks to be a woman sometimes.
I read blogs at times on the internet, mostly random ones and am always amazed by random airheads, whose only claim to fame is that they can produce a kid a year, regardless of if they can support said children. I still find myself jealous of their ease, of their fertility. It was so hard for me and so hard fought and now I am giving it away. Who am I kidding! I am not giving anything away that wasn't already gone, but now I have to admit that it is gone.
Then there is trying to do surgery in my family, without it making it to YouTube. OK it isn't that bad but close. In USA I could quietly get things done and the whole world didn't have to know. Here, I had the appointment this morning and by this afternoon, it was being talked about by my sister-in-law's parents over a cup of tea and my mother had already cooked a few meals for me. I just want to crawl into a hole. Perhaps it is just love. Perhaps it is just caring, but it feels invasive. It always has. I suspect that is partly why I have kept everything so close to my chest. I will keep trying to see it as love but I think I will remain fairly stressed.
On a happier note, the link for the Shark Bait Kids interview is up finally from March. I am looking particularly ravishing after being underwater for 4 hours prior to the interview. I should have thought of a different program; one that involved clothes, and brushes and maybe even makeup. Instead I go on National TV in a wetsuit with diving hair!!
I'm sorry you have to have surgery, especially of the gynecological variety. I think the psychological aspect of knowing you will not be able to have children anymore is a tough one to accept, even when you know you aren't going to have more kids. You're still just as much of a woman ~ surgery won't change that.
ReplyDeleteI do think people make food & offer comforting words out of love. Sometimes, too, they want to help but don't know what to do or say. I'm sorry it feels invasive to you ~ I think I can understand that somewhat. You're accustomed to your private life being private; having that change and suddenly having your private life broadcast amongst people can be unnerving. It's okay to prefer to be left alone or to not want others to be discussing your personal stuff, though. There's nothing wrong with you for wanting that; I think it's just sometimes hard to achieve when family is all around you.
I "liked" the Shark Bait Kids facebook page & thoroughly enjoyed looking at the pictures & watching the interview. You looked GREAT! Seriously ~ you're going to be more critical of yourself than anyone, but from my perspective, you looked happy & relaxed & really good. I like your longer hair, too. :)