So if you wondered if I was feeling any better today, the real answer is No but I think that it was a better year. After thinking about it all, I decided that I wasn't really being fair to my friends here. Yesterday was a late entry to work, because I had Levi's Parent Teacher interview. It went really well and he is doing just fine, which is lucky because if the teacher had said anything bad at all I think I would have cried. He is way ahead in Maths and about average in his reading. She was giving me strategies to bring his reading to his Math level but I hastened to assure her that I wasn't going to push him in reading at all. Average works for me. I don't need him to be the best at everything! He is in Grade 1 and his progress in reading in the last few months has been astounding. I am good with that. The last thing I want is for him to have nothing to learn at school. I am not good with that!
Anyway I came in late and the office had already gone for coffee. When I came in one by one they all asked if they could go back and get one for me. They were all so sweet that I almost came undone. They looked after me and were great all day. I had to write a Powerpoint for some doctors in Townsville and it pretty much took me all day. Good mind numbing stuff.
Then at night I went to Di and Bear's place and showed them the video of Frankie. I showed them the album of his first year. I talked about what he was like. I introduced him to them, the only way left to me. I talk about his strength before he got too ill, but it is interesting watching the videos. It was very true. He really was that verbal. It is hard to believe how young he was when watching the video. Later that night at home by myself, I watched the harder video. The one that shows the deterioration. It still breaks my heart to watch him so broken down, but still it helps. It helps to remind me that death is a friend that you hold in reserve. Death isn't the enemy. The enemy is the disease that ground him down and Death, he was an ally and for stopping Frankie's pain, I will be forever grateful. My pain....now that is another story!
Anyway I came in late and the office had already gone for coffee. When I came in one by one they all asked if they could go back and get one for me. They were all so sweet that I almost came undone. They looked after me and were great all day. I had to write a Powerpoint for some doctors in Townsville and it pretty much took me all day. Good mind numbing stuff.
Then at night I went to Di and Bear's place and showed them the video of Frankie. I showed them the album of his first year. I talked about what he was like. I introduced him to them, the only way left to me. I talk about his strength before he got too ill, but it is interesting watching the videos. It was very true. He really was that verbal. It is hard to believe how young he was when watching the video. Later that night at home by myself, I watched the harder video. The one that shows the deterioration. It still breaks my heart to watch him so broken down, but still it helps. It helps to remind me that death is a friend that you hold in reserve. Death isn't the enemy. The enemy is the disease that ground him down and Death, he was an ally and for stopping Frankie's pain, I will be forever grateful. My pain....now that is another story!
Regarding your last paragraph, that is a very interesting perspective and one that I think I am going to try to adopt as my own with respect to Joshua.... that death is a blessing when it relieves a person of pain & suffering. It's brutal for those who love the person & are left behind, but yeah, I can see where the 'silver lining' is in death. Do me a favor: remind me of this if I need it down the road.
ReplyDeleteI am happy to remind you of it when you need it, but I suspect that you will remember. I have never feared death and there was a point that I prayed for death.
ReplyDeleteI have always thought that death and childbirth are similar in many ways. But one way that most people don't think of, is that it seems to me that it is always easier to die than to be the one left behind to mourn. Just as it is easier to give birth than to watch a friend you love in labour
That and I finally worked out the kinks in 'comment'. I was having trouble responding to you before .... Sorry
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