Skipping forward

Yesterday, I was out Christmas shopping with Ross (now 15), Evan (now 11) and Levi.  Levi still firmly believes in Santa Claus and I have no reason, religious or philosophical to not just allow that to happen.  So they needed some presents for Robert and Ken and Ross needed a present for his girlfriend.  I needed more from Santa. 

Early in the piece I explained to Ross and Evan that we would have 2 sections of the cart and that one of those sections would be the hidden section.  They got into it and helped lots; distracting Levi at critical times, readjusting coats so that they covered critical parts and even helping me to choose gifts.  So with all of that we managed to get to the car without Levi once noticing that there were extra gifts there.  In fact they have made it to being wrapped in special paper waiting for the big night. 

The best part though happened at the car.  Levi was in his car seat with the door closed and Evan looked pensive for a minute and said;

"You must have had shopping trips like this with me when I was little and I never knew!"

Sometimes I love watching kids mind's mature.  It was true but much harder.  There were no big kids to help with the distraction.  There were more small kids to buy for.  But it is a beautiful thing to watch them grow older. And it is lovely to watch them become more.  Evan's next comment;

"Thank you so much for that"

Have I said how much I love these kids.  Have I said how much I will miss them again when I leave.  Have I said how much I miss Frankie in the holidays!

Tar and Imagination

Go back about a week.  We got off the plane at about 7am US time but this time it took a long time to get through customs; not because they held us up but because ours bags came off last.  WE were met by Robert and Ken.  Levi loved them instantly as you would expect and then the next 12 hours involved the daunting task of keeping him awake for at least most of that time.  We went looking for fossils.



Levi testing his strength against tar



Robert, Levi and Ken



Levi loved the La Brea Tar Pits and was able to touch and move things so it kept him awake well.  There was a quick moment in one of the movies that we thought we were in danger of his drifting off to sleep but he was fine.  The great thing was we were in the sunshine and that goes a long way to reducing lag.

So the next stop was Universal Studios.  It was really quiet which is bad for them but perfect for us.  Levi had really open run at the playgrounds and rides and there was very little waiting in lines.  I think it would have been really hard to entertain him in a line that day.

 We found Jaws (several times) and played in water sprays.  It really was a beautiful Southern Californian day.  There was the tour on the little cars that get caught in an earthquake and get whacked around by King Kong.  We saw the plane crash from War of the Worlds and other things that made it interesting for me as well as Levi, who loved the bells and whistles.

 It was a good time to just chill out and let Levi get to know Robert again without lots of other people vying for his attention.  I knew that it would be another almost week of just the four of us together, so it would give Levi and Robert a good grounding again.

We ended that day by going to Mimi and Robert's place (Ken's brother and Sister-in-law).  They were great.  We carried in a sleeping child and they just showed me to a bed that we could put him.  It is great staying at houses where they have children themselves.  A sleeping child is just universal.  Put him to bed!

Back Online

This morning I am finally back online.  I have had a long period between 'drinks' but rest assured we were having fun!

Lets go back.  I went to the Shark Bait weekend on December 4th and then never really made it home again.  The weekend away was great and fairly peaceful.  But it rained, and rained, and rained!  The creek came up and we were flooded out of the house.  So we had a fantastic dive,

and then didn't get home; really again!  So now I am due to leave for USA, where it is cold and snowing and all I have is the clothes, togs etc that were packed for the weekend to the Gold Coast, in the summer.  Once again friends and family stepped up to the plate.  We stayed Monday and Tuesday nights at Brian and Di's house and then the final night at Jill and Jim's.  The only thing that I was really concerned about were the passports and I kept making up strange ways of getting them across the river.  Everything else we could get in USA or had already been bought in USA and left there.  The weather did however co operate.  In a brief window on Wednesday, the creek was drivable, just but drivable.  I took off and switched out the clothes that I had and packed quickly (too quickly) for USA.  Yes I forgot stuff and didn't pack enough this and too much of that but it had started raining and for me the worst possible scenario was me stuck in and Levi stuck out!  So I grabbed the passports, threw stuff back in the car and drove out again before the creek rose again.  The stuff adventure is made of (that and high blood pressure). 

Jill was lovely and dropped us at the airport before she went to work and we started the big adventure!  The first part of which was to get upgraded to Premium Economy.  Now that was a sweet deal!  The only downfall was that the bar between our seats couldn't be lifted, so Levi couldn't spread out to sleep on the plane.  Luckily he could make do!

We were met off the plane by Robert and his friend Ken.  Levi ran to Robert to give him a big hug, so any fears that I may have had that Levi didn't remember were allayed at that point!  Then we started our adventures, but not before stopping at a clothing store to pick up a couple of things that I knew I hadn't packed: toiletries, Levi's shoes and other non important things like that. 

I hear the boys up now and will write up the next week tomorrow!

Friday!

Levi and I are down the coast tonight.  In one of those days where time just seems to disappear on you, finally we are settled and calm again.  I drove Levi to school and then went to see the movie "Voyage of the Dawn Treader".  I wanted to see it while I had a chance.  I was actually mildly disappointed.  It wasn't as good as the first two and I had high hopes.  At one point I wanted to go to Cleveland and see the Dawn Treader with Levi while they were filming but we never got there.  I kept trying to see Cleveland in the background but it was hard to do.  I think that the Dawn Treader was a softer book so to speak and I am not really sure in the biblical overtones of it all why it was even necessary.  I did like the dragon though.

I picked Levi up from school, delivered a Christmas Cake for After School Care and got organized for the coast.  Then we spent what felt like a day in traffic.  In the wet, there had been a multi car accident and we crawled for miles.  I think it was great.  We chatted, sang, played and laughed!  In fact there were a few times that the cars beside us joined in!  Maybe we should have closed the window!

Now Levi is curled up in bed.  I am on the computer and I am back to the stand by of drinking my cup of tea out of a saucepan, because the cups are tiny. 

Tomorrow Ty is coming down to play.  It is supposed to be wet and yuck all day but frankly I just don't care.  I am just as happy to slowly wander around and play in the pools and playgrounds.  Tomorrow night I think that both Pam and Mim are coming down.  The beds are tiny, but they are pretty tiny people.  It will be a good night I think. 

Tired

I am so tired I can't even think.  I can't even begin to think.  It seems like everything is just ramping up.  I can't wait until it ramps back down again and I get to actually have a single thought without having to have ninety thoughts at once just to keep up with what I have to do.  I wish that I could clone myself just for the next few days. 

I am hoping that this weekend there will be a little more space in both my head and in my diary.  The last Shark Bait Kid dive is this weekend and Levi and I go down tomorrow afternoon to get organized.

Last Few Days

The last few days have been quite busy.  Actually they made the last few weeks look really easy.  Friday night was our Night Dive with the Shark Bait Kids.  I have to say I was more nervous than I care to admit about the dive going in.  I was relaxed that I would be in control of my dive and the kid that I was with, but the difference was, from underwater, I couldn't quickly see everything.  I was used to the quick scan, that told me that all the other kids were OK too. 

Now I don't want it to sound like I don't trust them but they are kids.  Kids that inherently can't do instructions as well as others.  All my fears were unnecessary though.  The kids did really well.  The instructors did really well and the other therapists all did really well.  The kids all had a blast and the dive was fantastic.  I was on a high afterward and the kids were worse.  They all had so much fun.

Saturday was about getting organized and went from there.  I was supposed to go to the Chemical Engineering Reunion with the rest of the family, but at the last minute got a reprieve.  It was a cocktail party thing and then a big cheese type dinner.  Now I would rather be dragged naked through brambles than get all dressed up to talk small talk all night with people I'll never see again.  On top of that I was going to have to pay for the privilege by getting babysitting for Levi.   Now chatting with a few people over dinner or drinks, in jeans and a T-Shirt; Now that I could spend lots of time doing.  So I couldn't find a sitter for Saturday and I got a night off.

Sunday night we had the carolling night.  I am going to fix those photos, so I will save the post for next time!

45 Today

Today is my birthday.  I had a busy non-birthday day.  I went to work early because I had to go to the coast again.  For a birthday it was kind of quiet.  I worked and Levi went to school.  He was cranky when I picked him up because I wouldn't buy him a slushy.  He moaned a bit about it but was fine by the time I got home.  That was about the whole of it. 

I have been thinking about other birthdays.  I think it's a good idea to do that on your birthday.  To see where you have been.

At 5, I was in USA

At 15, I was at High School, It was the year that I learned that I was stronger than I ever believed that I could be.  It was the year that I learned how to trust myself before trusting anyone. 

At 25, I was relearning that lesson.  Life once again was showing me that no matter how weak you think you are, you are stronger than you can believe.  It was the beginning of learning that you can indeed trust other people as well as yourself, so long as you never forget the trust in yourself.

At 35, I learned that no matter how much it hurt when it happens to you, it hurts that much more when things happen to those you love.  It was the year that I realized that Frankie had something that I should be very afraid of.  It was the first year of real sickness for him.  It was the year of escalating drug trials.

At 45, I am still learning.  Levi coughs in the background as I type.  His asthma has flared again, probably in response to a minor illness.  The illness is likely in response to his being way too tired and getting to the end of term.  It isn't a scary cough and in a few days it will disappear again.  Tomorrow night we do the night dive with the Shark Bait Kids and in less than a fortnight, Levi and I will be on holidays and in USA. 

I wonder where I'll be in 10 more years!

In Trouble

Levi was in trouble today.  In the morning after I left, he was talking with my sister and when my mother came in, he neglected to instantly respond to her greeting.  Jo roused on him and told him how much he'd hurt her feelings and then cried.  Then I got an Email at work, telling all about it.

I just want to be on holidays and to take him away to where people don't expect him to be the adult.  I don't know what the right thing to do is at times.  I know that I don't want him to grow up too quickly.  He is five, not even five and a half yet.  Sometimes kids concentrate on one thing and ignore their surroundings.  Sometimes kids don't hear.  Sometimes kids make mistakes.  The key here is that he is a kid.  He shouldn't have to shoulder the burden.  That is an adult's job.  It all just seemed like such an irrelevant event.  It doesn't seem to have warranted the response that it got, esp from an adult to the child.  I don't have any idea if I should try to explain to him what happened or just let it go.  I don't know whether to explain to him that some adults need a lot more maintenance, or just to explain to him that he should just stay downstairs and play quietly until it is time for school.

I chose the latter.  I don't want to have him not like his grandmother.  I had a grandmother that disliked us as children and I don't want that to happen here.  This incident is not that bad but it did make me sit up and think.  It also made me recount the days to holidays.  I can't wait!

Changing Perspective

 Levi climbing the stairs of the pool

Upside down and Backwards

Tonight Levi changed my perspective again.  He was about to go to bed and he perked up and said;

"Why don't we sleep with our heads at the other end of the bed?"

I thought it was a fabulous idea and so he is in there sleeping with his head at the foot of the bed.  I realized that kids spend a lot of time playing around with their perspectives, but as we approach adulthood, we settle into what is right or correct or socially appropriate.  I wonder that it isn't a really good thing to settle in so securely.  It is great to watch Levi climb up steps of a pool backward, just because he could and it was worth trying.  I could have told him that he wasn't going to have the strength to get out that way, but it would have ruined the experience of just trying something completely different. 

I wonder how much better we would all get along as adults if we allowed ourselves to change our perspectives more often.  I really envy my sister some times.  I think that her mind gives her different ideas at times.  Admittedly they are sometimes extremely disordered but it does give you a new look at life by listening to her schemes.  I am trying to withhold the instant "That can't work" mentality that I have as she talks.  Oh, I am right, the ideas have flaws that you could drive a Hummer through, but they also are looking at things from a different stance

Friday

 What?  I'm not doing Anything!!

Yesterday, I had to go to the coast to talk to the people at the Marriott and work out this dive for the Shark Bait kids.  It was my second trip to the coast in 2 days because Wednesday, SeaWorld had suddenly decided that they couldn't do Friday.  They couldn't do the time and day that we had all rearranged our schedules for.  They could only do Thursday. 

I had Mim this trip instead of being by myself, so with the long conversations about the inconsistencies of the powers of the mutants in X-Men or other deep and meaningful things.  It meant that I wasn't alone with my thoughts, which is always dangerous.

I picked Levi up after school and we had 2 meltdowns before we made it the 5 minutes home.  The first was because I hadn't worked out that the 'password' was 'Rocket Boy'.  The other was because he was telling me how he had fallen off his scooter in the morning going to school.  He hadn't cried at the time....at all! By the afternoon's retelling however he didn't make it through the story.

Man!  That kid is getting tired.  All the kids are getting tired.  We all need a break. 

It has been raining again.  Not the hammering rain that was previously being experienced, just a on and off sprinkling.  Levi and I were washing turkey poo off the concrete and I went back inside so he could wash his 'work site'.  By the time that I got back, he was filling a bucket that he shouldn't have been.  I didn't really care but the guilty look said that he didn't think it was a strictly legal activity.

Just that small amount of rain had the causeway go under water again.  It doesn't make me overly confident about this wet season.  The ground is just not absorbing water any more.  Pretty much it goes straight into the creek.  Not much of a buffer any more. 

Old Thoughts

At the moment I am trying to find a powerpoint that I did in USA before coming home.  It was about Genetics but that was irrelevant.  The point is, I took out the external hard drive and was looking through it.  I found something that I had forgotten.  It is a poem that Evan wrote when he was 5.  It was a year after Frank had died.  It still makes me tear up. 

For My Brother

You will be my brother

You will be sitting on my shoulder

When you will be presented

Dead onto the Gods of your soul

That will know you.

So, you will be with me always

Always alive

You and I.

Evan Begg 10-05-04

I find it amazing how accurately kids will express themselves at times.  Actually quite a lot is making me tear up at the moment.  It is likely that I have too much to do in the next few weeks and that the stress level at work is enormous.  I am working on an alternate dive for the kids.  I am trying to get Townsville organized and there are personnel issues that I have to deal with as well.  Other than that work is quiet. 

 

We are going to have a Christmas BBQ and Carolling.  It is a good idea to get all Levi's friends together before we leave.  It does remind me a lot of this year and Frankie wanting so much to stay up but just not quite making it that far!

Look at this sweet curly haired kid.  Last night Levi was back on the topic of death which is also a little hard to take at times.  He said;

"Mum, you are going to die before me, but you won't be lonely in heaven waiting for me, because Frankie will look after you until I get there.  Then we can all be together!"

It is a lovely thought.  I hope it works that way.  I hope it's not for a long time.  I hope some one's looking after Frankie now until I get there.  It seems like so long ago.  And it still feels like today.

Hanging On

This week I feel like I am just holding on.  Work is unpredictable and hard.  Seaworld said 'No' to he dive for the Shark Bait kids.  I have no trouble with that, what I am mad about is that they waited until 2 weeks prior to the dive.  Last year they waited until 2 days before the dive to say Yes, so we all just assumed they would again.  I wish they didn't have enough divers or the sharks were sick or the coral needed to be replaced or really any other legitimate excuse.  Instead? Yes they cancelled the dive because they didn't have enough marketing staff to escort the media around.  I think they have lost the plot if they think that is a real reason to disappoint those kids.

Marriott has come to the party but can only do the Monday after the weekend would have been.  It means that we creep closer to the date that Levi and I fly out.  At least I will have a couple of days to try to work out what exactly I need to pack.  I have an Advert Calendar for Levi to count down the days to flying out.  I need to alter the dates so he hasn't got it yet.  It is now less than 25 days so he will get a bit of chocolate that first day!

Yesterday I went to the official launch of the DMD registry.  I was happy that we have finally got to the point where the idea of collating information prior to studies rather than after has been broached.  Pam and I then had to leave at 4.30 to get home.  I think that every major arterial between Nundah and Samford was blocked with an accident.  It was crawling.  Part way through I then had to address my other major issue.  There is just no real back up to get Levi.  The After School Care ends at 6pm and I have to get him before then or pay $10 for every minute after that.  I called the farm and no one answered.  I called my friends in town and the only one who answered was Pete and Cheryl, who were holidaying in Caloundra.  I think that I did 110km/hr across Eaton's Crossing road.  Pam got dumped at the corner and had to walk to her car (She missed Touch Football).  I did manage to get him with 2 minutes to spare but I think that my blood pressure was above 200.

Everyone at work and at Levi's school are getting tired and kind of drawn thin.  There is more of a frustration edge to everyone.  The kids are wilder and more fragile.  I think that both Levi and I are just holding on.  Holding on through gritted teeth.  Holding on for 22 more days!

Sunday

Today Ruby came over to play.  Her Mum and Dad are away for the weekend.  Well, they are in town, but with Powderfinger finishing up with weekend, there will be some severe partying and so Ruby and Hugo are being sat for the weekend.  Ruby was over all day and I thought that she would be much more into the baby goat than she was.  Interestingly Levi was the one who wanted to hold him and pat him.  We spent lots of time going up and down, finding nice food for the poor mother goat, who is still recovering from birth, surgery, blood loss and likely being in labour far longer than perhaps she should have been.  The kids had loads of fun though.  They played Lego, painted, caught tadpoles and ran around after chickens. 

Life and Death

Today, the mother goat had to have a Cesarean section because the second twin hadn't come out by this afternoon.  It is fascinating to watch the vets do it, with local anaesthetic and standing up, compared to the special delivery room and procedures that humans are lucky enough to get.  Unfortunately the baby girl was dead, but I think we all knew that as it had been nearly 24 hours since the first had been born and normally they follow in minutes.  She had jammed by delivering hip first, and so was unable to get through.  The baby boy is doing really well and drinking well as well.  He is still beautiful, but it is still a pity that he doesn't have a sister as well. 

Last night there was an impromptu get together as the whole family gathered to welcome the little goat and to have a bit of a play with him.  Levi had lots of kids to play with and esp had Robbie who he loves.  They wildly ran around downstairs and played loud and energetic games until well into the night.

We had Shark Bait Kids again this morning.  As we had gone to bed very late, even Levi didn't get up early, so we both woke up, about 5 minutes after we should have left.  In a frantic race around, we still got there almost on time.  It continues to be loads of fun.  Levi did some more diving and I think that I got some video of it this time, as he was on Mary's tank, not mine.  I hope I can upload it soon.

New Baby

Here is the new baby in our house:

 

Powderfinger

Levi had so much fun!! It was great.  First off I took him out of school at about 12.30 and we went home and napped.  He and I snuggled up in bed and eventually he nodded off.  He was so excited it was hard to wind him down, but eventually he settled and slept for just under an hour.  He had a shower when he woke up and then we had a half an hour to kill.  Zac and Alex were over catching tadpoles in the slimy green goose dam.  By the time I got up to the dam Levi was already there.  He was inordinately self controlled and even told his friends that he couldn't catch taddies because he had to stay clean. 

Then Georgie and Ruby came to pick him up.  They had dinner and played around back stage.

 Ruby, Levi and Ian

After they had dinner, they wandered in and out of Jet.  They had perfect seats and could go backwards and forwards with the other Minifingers (the kids of the band).  Levi got his own Minifingers All Access Pass and a wristband that would get him, well, anywhere really!

Then Powderfinger came on.  Levi loved all the drama of it all.  He loved the music but he wasn't as used to the sensory input of lights and music.  Even with the headphones on, he really only coped for 2 big songs.  I got a text from Georgie and came in and picked him up.  In the meantime, Pam and I had decided to go out to see Inception.  She didn't have any appendages that night either, so we went to dinner, bought movie tickets and right as we almost got into the cinema, there was a text, to go and get him.  Oh well, it was fun to drive fully into the back of the River Stage while the band was playing and get the mancub.  The whole way home, he raved about how much fun it all was!

He will be talking about this for a while!!

Not Much

OK I wish that I could say I am having a fantastic day today, but it wasn't much better.  On top of that, pretty much the whole office had a bad day.  One of the young Physios that I work with cut a kid today with the cast saw.  We have all done it and she did it less than most.  She barely broke the skin.  When I did it as a young Physio in Michigan, the poor guy needed 10 stitches.  Yep, I never do anything by halves.  This sweet thing was so upset, it took me about an hour to calm her down.  The child's Mum was very relaxed and even called later to see how the Physio was doing. 

Levi has been as excited as any one child can be to go to the Powderfinger concert with Ruby.  Tonight he said that he thought that I was going and that is why he was so excited.  He said he didn't want to go without me.  I don't think that it is easy to stop at this point, but I don't really understand why Levi is so freaking timid.  It drives me nuts at time.  He gets these great opportunities but he stresses about them.   It is not that different from just going to her place and playing, but if it's a bit different, he is nervous.  I am trying to see it from his point of view but I'll have to say, sometimes it is hard.

My work isn't much better.  It is still stressful but I have some wonderful people that I work with in Strathpine.  We went for coffee this morning, and it was nice to just be with some normal people, talking about normal things and reacting normally. 

Long Day

I love my work.  I love seeing kids and interacting with families, but that is not all of what I am now.  Now that I am more of a big cheese, it has become harder.  I am not a big cheese, or even a Tasty Cheddar, probably more of a Gouda or Colby.  I love the kids more than anything and I love to help the families, it's dealing with the staff issues that gets hard for me.  Today made me uneasy again.  I hate feeling like that.  It made me change the way I drove home and look over my shoulder again.  OK to be fair, I drive a different way home everyday without a trigger, but I don't really look over my shoulder any more.  It is weird for me to be thrown by things like this.  It is always a time that I feel like there is the distinct possibility that someone is going to take a swing at me.  If someone actually does take that swing, I am fine, because I just react, but it is more the threat that sits there unacted on.  Then my imagination takes over and I can think of plenty of things that are worse than that simple punch.

Levi is always a balm for me on days like this.  He has a very simple look on life and it begins and ends with me.  That is great but there are days when I just want to be able to 'not cope'.  I want to have days where I don't have to pull it all together as soon as I reach After School Care.  I wish that I could just come home and curl up into a foetal position and someone brings me a cup of coffee and is just there.  I love Levi but it is unrelenting.  I get a lot of peace from him, but at times, just wish that I could have just 1 minute when I didn't have to be firing on all cylinders.  I have days that I wish I worked somewhere like McDonalds where the worse that can happen is that some one's hamburger is wrong. 

Yes, I'm grumpy and tired.  Tomorrow I will be better.  Either that or I will pick myself up again and keep going regardless

Sunday

Today, we played, and played and played!!

Saturday

 Levi playing underwater

Today was better all around.  Levi was lovely to have around.  The only downside to yesterday was that now he wants me to lie beside him when he goes to sleep.  I love to, but I have to be careful that I don't indulge that too much.  He would then need me to do it every night. 

Levi loves the Shark Bait Kids.  He swims with the kids for a little while and then he gets out and draws with whoever is out of the pool that day.  It wipes him out but he loves it.  The routine is then that we get him Maccas for lunch and then go home.  We have some quiet time and then we do something else.  Today we worked.  I mowed and he attacked the prickly weeds with big spikes of metal.  Where he found the big spikes I've no idea but they were longer than his forearm and looked like railway spikes.  He wielded them for about an hour.  Once again he has gone to bed early. 

And so it starts again

Friday, Pajamas and Movies

Levi has been really tired and is starting to not cope at times.  He is on a hair trigger and will cry at the least provocation.  I had Friday off and so I took Levi out of school.  I have to remember that he is really only five and really only five and a quarter.  School has been hard work for him, so I shouldn't have been too surprised.

I took him out and we stayed in our Pajamas and watched movies most of the day.  He painted and played with Legos, but the most important thing was that we had no agenda, no timetable and no need to DO anything.  It was heaven.  The other and likely more important thing was that Levi napped for 2 hours and then he asked to go to bed at 6.30pm instead of 7pm.  I think it reset him.  He woke up a different boy and has been back to the coping, sweet boy that I am used to having around.  It has been a blessing.  Now lets hope that it lasts the 35ish days left.

Freezing

Last night, Levi was again completely trashed.  He is just getting more and more tired.  I am hoping that he can pull it together for the full week.  There is a part of me that thinks he is just a little too young for these long days at school.  I do like that he is at school but I'm not sure that he needs to be there just yet. He loves it but at this time of the year he is just exhausted and there is no real light at the end of the tunnel for several weeks.  Some of it is my fault.  I am working every Saturday at the moment with the Shark Bait Kids and Levi spends most of that swimming around and generally interacting with the kids.  They love him there and always ask where he is if they haven't seen him yet.  But it does mean that there is little time on the weekend for him to have 'no agenda'. 

Kids these days have so much less freedom.  Admittedly we had way too much, but there is a happy medium.  I know that I am failing him a little in this.  As an only child, he has to either play by himself or play with me and that leaves him either completely on his own or playing adult directed games.  Even if I don't direct the games, there is still an adult there and then the play is different.  It means that he works at it a little no matter what. 

Anyway he is tired.  Last night putting him to bed he ended up crying himself to sleep because he was "freezing to death" and "going to die of the coldness".  Now it's hot here and Levi (and I) both run hot anyway.  He was in PJ Shorts and no shirt.  He wouldn't wear more and he wouldn't put the covers on, all of which added up to me to just being WAY too tired and that he just needed sleep, even if he had to cry to get there quickly.  Sweet boy.

Australia Zoo and Halloween

 Levi digging out the fossils

 Lorikeet and baby wombat

 Today we had a great day.....again.  Levi had the best swimming lesson I've seen in a while.  He had a new teacher and she just seemed to really get all the kids and they all had a great lesson.  Levi is really pretty good now but he still needs some touch ups.  Then we went to Australia zoo.

I love those free tickets.  We spent a grand total of $0 and we had a full morning there digging up dinosaurs and feeding kangaroos.  We went to the show, but missed the warm up chatting.  We are getting better at that timing too.  The bird show was great this time.  The birds were all in a 5 year old mood.  They all flew around the stadium as they were supposed to and they all performed how they were supposed to, but when they were supposed to go home, none of them did.  They just wanted to be out, much to the frustration of the handlers.  It was so much fun to watch them all try to convince a flock of random unruly birds into doing what they were supposed to do rather than what they all wanted to do.  The birds won.  Even when the show was over and we all were walking out, there were the handlers, all still waiting for the birds.

Ruby over for Trick or Treating

When we got home, we had Ruby over for trick or treating.  She had dressed up as a witch and Levi was so excited to have her over.  Georgie and I worked out the logistics of the concert next week.  It will be fabulous.

Good Day

We had a good day.  Actually it was about time.  We got up early and went to Shark Bait Kids.  Levi swam less this time but I think it was because he was tired and I wasn't in the water.  Then we drove home by the customary stop at Maccas for lunch and a play in the play structure.  Levi had a blast and then we drove home.

This afternoon, Levi made a picture for Ruby as she is coming by tomorrow to trick or treat.  In USA it is a huge affair, but here I had to ask her Mum what she wanted us to give Ruby.  I think that I will get a few little things as well, to make it more like real Halloween.  Then we jumped on the trampoline and played board games and things under he went to bed.  It was a great day for me to remember how much fun a real day with a sweet boy can be.  It reminded me that laughing with a child is the best medicine for anything. 

The Good, The Bad and the Really Ugly

It was an up and down day.  Actually it has been an up and down week.  Some of it is that today, 3 years ago, Dad died.  But that is not all of it I'm sure.  Lets start with the 'good' though.

This afternoon I picked up my new vacuum cleaner that I won from Dyson.  It is this and I already love it.  I thought hard about just selling the thing on ebay but decided that a good vacuum probably didn't hurt Levi's asthma either.  We went and picked it up with the minimum of fuss.  I walked in and gave my name and they handed me a $1000 vacuum.  No check of my licence, no questions asked, just "here is your vacuum".  Then we drove home.

Then the bad.  I think that I am mad with God at the moment.  I understand many things but I will never really understand God when so many children have to suffer.  It seems that I can easily justify it, if there is no God.  I get that genetics isn't a clean or precise action.  Mistakes happen all the time and some of those mistakes are just devastating.  What I don't get is what God would gain from that.  I hate that SMA I even exists.  It sucks that families have to face this.  The other problem is, that no matter how much I try and no matter how well I can do it in public, I really just can't completely dissociate these children from mine.  I can't completely make that mother separate from me.  On top of that, while I am struggling to stay happy and stay on top of things, this is what Levi dug up to wear to bed tonight:

He found the clothes that I had put away for summer and was getting hot at night (as you can see by his hair).  He is welcome to them and I am glad to see him in them.  But ..... This is the last time I saw those PJs:

It means that at 5, Levi is now fitting into the last clothes that Frank wore.  I have been fine all along with Levi wearing Frank's things, but I hadn't realized that it would get harder as Levi aged, because the clothes would put Frank older, sicker and fatter.  It would also put my memories of those clothes, more and more charged with emotion.  I think that I am going to just have to break fairly soon and just buy new clothes for Levi.  After tonight, I think that will be soon.

 

Well, what about the 'ugly'.  It was really ugly.  I picked Levi up from school today and because his knee was 'itchy' he was unable to walk, broke down in a screaming tantrum and had to get carried to the car.  Before he was carried to the car (not by me, I might add), he lay down on the ground and dragged himself along.  I think that he is getting really tired toward the end of the week esp as we get closer to the end of the year.  I hope that our holiday is not so full on that it doesn't give him a rest.  At least he won't be having long days or stressful ones.

10 Days

10 days.  It is something that I have been thinking about today.  10 days is enough for some countries to fight wars and is long enough to 'look younger' or even 'shake the world'.  Unfortunately it can change whole lives as well.  Today I saw a little family who 10 days ago had a normal little baby; a beautiful, intelligent, interactive little boy.  He might have been a little floppy and he may have been a little behind his peers, but if they just "gave him enough time" he would catch up. 

Today they have a baby who likely won't make it to his first birthday.  Statistically the odds are against him.  It is so hard to sit back, knowing what is in the future for these families.  What have I got to offer?  What has anyone really to offer?  Oh I can do my job.  I can get him feeding well and get him positioned so he can play well.  I can do that and more, but what I think they need more than anything else, is to have someone walk beside them.  I am hoping that we can do that.  I am hoping that I can do that.  I am hoping that this family has the same kind of support they I had and our family had when we walked that same walk.  It is incredible to me how much lives can change in that week.  It is incredible how much I hurt for them.  I hope that I can make that path easier for them.  It is not an easy path, but perhaps my team can make that road smoother than it would otherwise have been.  We can't stop them hurting, but perhaps by hurting with them, it will make them feel less alone. 

Walking with Dinosaurs

Walking with Velociraptors rather!  There are dinosaur skeletons in our newspaper.  They are to be put together as a big jigsaw puzzle and we just picked ours up.  The paper is delivered here at the bottom of the hill on the other side of the causeway.  I talked to the guy who delivers them and every day he is saving our dinosaurs, because we rarely get to the Newsagent.  Today we got 9 dinosaurs.  We put together the Velociraptor.  A little too hard for Levi by himself but not for both of us. 

Tonight I also bought Levi's birthday present.  I know that I am nearly 8 months early, but it was the best option.  The big dinos are coming on tour and we are going to see them.  I got tickets for Sunday 12th June, so I imagine it will be a very busy weekend as likely his birthday party will be that Saturday. 

Sunday at the park

Levi and his mates at the skate park

Sunday, we went to the skate park again.  It is starting to get hot and Levi now sweats up a storm but he loves the skate park.  We go really early in the morning before the big kids get there and then they play until we get swamped by the teenagers.  After our kids take out the big kids a few times, I think they are really pleased to see us go.  We have been having big weekends and Levi and I are both exhausted by the end of them.  I am starting to count the days to the holiday and Levi thinks about USA all the time.  He called Robert on Sunday as well to say Hi and for the first time talked to the answering machine without my prompting him.  Who knows what he said, but it's the thought that counts!

I gave Levi a haircut after the skate park.  He was starting to look a lot like Lincoln Lewis but looked great afterward.  His hair is hard to cut now, because he spends so much time in the chlorine that his hair is getting crunchy.  It will be easier with less hair!