I love my work. I love seeing kids and interacting with families, but that is not all of what I am now. Now that I am more of a big cheese, it has become harder. I am not a big cheese, or even a Tasty Cheddar, probably more of a Gouda or Colby. I love the kids more than anything and I love to help the families, it's dealing with the staff issues that gets hard for me. Today made me uneasy again. I hate feeling like that. It made me change the way I drove home and look over my shoulder again. OK to be fair, I drive a different way home everyday without a trigger, but I don't really look over my shoulder any more. It is weird for me to be thrown by things like this. It is always a time that I feel like there is the distinct possibility that someone is going to take a swing at me. If someone actually does take that swing, I am fine, because I just react, but it is more the threat that sits there unacted on. Then my imagination takes over and I can think of plenty of things that are worse than that simple punch.
Levi is always a balm for me on days like this. He has a very simple look on life and it begins and ends with me. That is great but there are days when I just want to be able to 'not cope'. I want to have days where I don't have to pull it all together as soon as I reach After School Care. I wish that I could just come home and curl up into a foetal position and someone brings me a cup of coffee and is just there. I love Levi but it is unrelenting. I get a lot of peace from him, but at times, just wish that I could have just 1 minute when I didn't have to be firing on all cylinders. I have days that I wish I worked somewhere like McDonalds where the worse that can happen is that some one's hamburger is wrong.
Yes, I'm grumpy and tired. Tomorrow I will be better. Either that or I will pick myself up again and keep going regardless
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