It was an up and down day. Actually it has been an up and down week. Some of it is that today, 3 years ago, Dad died. But that is not all of it I'm sure. Lets start with the 'good' though.
This afternoon I picked up my new vacuum cleaner that I won from Dyson. It is this and I already love it. I thought hard about just selling the thing on ebay but decided that a good vacuum probably didn't hurt Levi's asthma either. We went and picked it up with the minimum of fuss. I walked in and gave my name and they handed me a $1000 vacuum. No check of my licence, no questions asked, just "here is your vacuum". Then we drove home.
Then the bad. I think that I am mad with God at the moment. I understand many things but I will never really understand God when so many children have to suffer. It seems that I can easily justify it, if there is no God. I get that genetics isn't a clean or precise action. Mistakes happen all the time and some of those mistakes are just devastating. What I don't get is what God would gain from that. I hate that SMA I even exists. It sucks that families have to face this. The other problem is, that no matter how much I try and no matter how well I can do it in public, I really just can't completely dissociate these children from mine. I can't completely make that mother separate from me. On top of that, while I am struggling to stay happy and stay on top of things, this is what Levi dug up to wear to bed tonight:
He found the clothes that I had put away for summer and was getting hot at night (as you can see by his hair). He is welcome to them and I am glad to see him in them. But ..... This is the last time I saw those PJs:
It means that at 5, Levi is now fitting into the last clothes that Frank wore. I have been fine all along with Levi wearing Frank's things, but I hadn't realized that it would get harder as Levi aged, because the clothes would put Frank older, sicker and fatter. It would also put my memories of those clothes, more and more charged with emotion. I think that I am going to just have to break fairly soon and just buy new clothes for Levi. After tonight, I think that will be soon.
Well, what about the 'ugly'. It was really ugly. I picked Levi up from school today and because his knee was 'itchy' he was unable to walk, broke down in a screaming tantrum and had to get carried to the car. Before he was carried to the car (not by me, I might add), he lay down on the ground and dragged himself along. I think that he is getting really tired toward the end of the week esp as we get closer to the end of the year. I hope that our holiday is not so full on that it doesn't give him a rest. At least he won't be having long days or stressful ones.
No comments:
Post a Comment