Storm front

 The days lately have been really strange weather wise.  They start off lovely, with beautiful blue skies and crisp temperature.  Then right about sunset the storm rolls in.  This storm yesterday gave us 27mm and the causeway went well over.  By today it was back to just to wetting the concrete. 

There was a beautiful edge to the storm.  It was breath taking and these phones don't do it justice, as they were taken on my iphone from out the window of the car.  It's just awe inspiring, the beauty of the storm, but at the heart you know that there is some real power behind it.

Well today it was a replica of yesterday.  Right as I am driving home at sunset.  So much beauty. 

In a different thought mode.  Last night when I went to get into bed.  Levi snuggled up and patted my back a few times and then in this very sweet happy voice said;

"There you are!"

Man that is one sweet little thing.



Good and Bad

BeforeAfter

So here are the pictures of out the back door.  It looks so much better, I am very happy about it.  Last night it poured rain and it helped to clear off some of the blown out mould and leaves as well.  There is so much water in the ground, it raises the creek quickly these days. 

I am very happy that I didn't take us to 'Eggs' last night.  Levi went to bed at 6.30pm.  When I left at 7.30am he still wasn't awake.  I had Jo call me when he finally woke and it was 8.10.  That boy needed some catch up!  I have lost one fight though.  Last night I started him back on his asthma meds.  I was hoping that this would be the winter that he grew out of it.  I thought that because he needed it so little for our winter trip to USA, it would be over for him.  I was really wrong.  He coughed and coughed last night.  I would sit him up and give him the Ventolin and put him back down without waking him.  He is back at about 4 hourly Ventolin and tomorrow I will start the preventatives again.  Bummer!  I was hoping against hope.

The best thing about his being sick though, is he is really snugly!  He has been up once already tonight, not because he has been awake but because his cough is waking him up again.  Might be a long night again.  I think I'll go to bed!

Paving the Way

This weekend has been really busy on multiple levels.  I have been cleaning pavers with a power washer (called a gurney in Australia).  As it hasn't been done foe, well forever, the tiles are thick with mould and dirt and grime.  Pretty much, difficult to shift accumulated mess from three years of rain and several years of drought before that.  It has been hard work.  I go until my arms shake and my hands can't grip anymore.  Then start it back up again in the morning.  But not anymore.  I am finished.  Initially I started with the Bear's gurney that ran off 240 volts, but it wasn't even close to strong enough.  Then Pete brought over his mother of all gurneys.  It runs off a 50HP petrol motor and is so strong the kids can't hold it.  I can't hold it one handed and it feels like fire truck pressure.  Last weekend I lost control of it.  Only once.  The water created what looked like a burn across my foot in a welt that I am only just losing a week later.  This is no sissy water pressure.  But I am done and hopefully it will last a little while.  I wanted to 'git er done' before Levi's party in two weeks.

The best thing about the weekend was Motherhood the Musical.  It was fabulous.  They had something that every mother could relate to at some stage in their parenting.  Levi was over at Ty's and went to sleep very very late.  This morning he slept through swimming practice.......Again!!  I think that I need to re look at this 7.30am thing in the winter.  So we went grocery shopping, we watched movies and then I went out to wash pavers.  Tonight he is in there cough cough coughing, so perhaps the sleep in and snugly day has more to do with that than the late night. 

We didn't go to 'Eggs" again today.  I have trouble with Eggs.  It is the Sunday night get together that is compulsory for our family on Sunday night.  Now my first off objection is that it is Sunday night, normally around 6pm.  Levi goes to bed at 7pm.  So already there is a problem.  There is no chance in hell that he will get to bed on time on the most important night of the week.  I think it's fine for the older kids but he is still little.  My other problem is that it is every freaking week!  I mean once a month we would all make an effort and go but every week it is just an enormous drain.  I think it is really for Jo and likely will quickly revert to monthly (or event driven) when she stops being so adamant about it.  It becomes a test of love every week, and I fail so regularly it is becoming habit.

I think most people miss the point of real love.  I probably do too, miss the point I mean.  But I think that real love is about being happy that the person you love is happy.  If you can't provide that somehow, I just think it's fine to be OK if someone else can.  I think that Bruno Mars misses the point in Grenade.  Catching a grenade for someone, that is the easy bit.  Dying for someone, that is the easy job.  I think giving someone up, can mean real love.  I think that living on after someone you love dies, that is the hardest role of all.  But perhaps I just don't really understand jealousy and ownership between people.  I am happy that I don't really understand.  I am happier believing that parents don't own their children and spouses don't own each other.  That is what I will teach Levi.  I will teach him to get together with his family because he wants to, not because he has to.

Jumping Again

Look at this adult looking boy!

Today I took the day off.  I had a quiet one and just puttered around in the morning.  Levi wanted to know why I was having a day off and he wasn't.  He said;

"Who will look after you when you are sick and I am at school?"

It is a beautiful thought.   In the face of that how do you explain that in microseconds I would be entertaining him.  I did say that I thought that fairly quickly into the day he was going to want to play with his friends and they would all be at school.    

So in the afternoon after school we went to ride the bike at the BMX track in Eatons Hill.  We went with Luke and Nate, and Pete of course.  Pete said that last week a few bigger kids were building it up with shovels, and when they kept getting in the way he said something to the affect of;

"I know you feel some ownership here but can you stand back for the kids"

They were quite polite and he chatted with them through the afternoon.  He asked them how it was made.  They reported they had made it by connecting several hoses from a public tap and several hours of shovelling and then they continued it every Friday afternoon for several years.  As Pete said;

"I guess they did, in fact, own it!"

Levi is looking like a real bike rider now but still doesn't have the same confident look that the other kids do.  He had a bit of a stack today but there was no blood, so he struggled to find a reason to be so upset.  I caught the Pre and Post on camera. 

Crawling to Bed

Tonight Levi crawled to bed.  Yes, he was overtired and yes I had let him stay up a little and snuggle, but he crawled to bed.  Crying no less.  He was so overtired.  He and I both have no idea what to do to push him into sleep when he is that tired.  Eventually, he slipped slightly and 'hurt' his knee. Then he crawled to bed crying because he;

"Had to sleep on the floor because he couldn't get into bed"

Then I left him be for about a second and he is now sound asleep in bed, snoring a little.  Maybe that was just what he needed.  We are both under the weather.  He is cranky and tired and it hurts when I breathe, so I think we both need some time to heal and possibly a bit more sleep!  I think I will take the day off tomorrow and try to sleep in a little.  It will be a stretch though.  I seem to always have bad dreams when my chest is sore.  I can't really go to work sick anyway.  Most of the kids are immuno-suppressed and the ones that aren't don't need to get anything either.  The last thing that I would want is to be the person that gives them something nasty.

Things are going to change at work and it has progressed far enough that I can talk about it.  They are acknowledging Shark Bait Kids as a program at work.  It means that actual hours are being assigned to it.  Given that we have worked for several years over the top of our other jobs, this is really good news.  It did mean that I had to make a decision to change my job a bit.  One of the options was to do Shark Bait Kids and be the big cheese Physio (Official term Professional Advisor).  This meant giving up all clinical work.  Essentially turning me into a manager.  The other option was to drop Professional Advisor and keep Shark Bait Kids and clinical work.  Now anyone who knows anything at all about me, knows that this decision was an easier one than most.  I am not a manager.  I have never really been a manager.  I love clinical and the kids.  More than that, I can now work on making Shark Bait Kids more than just a program for kids with DMD who are lucky enough to live in Queensland. 

Besides that, It will be really fun!!

Mould every where

Something weird has been happening to this blog.  It seems to take an act of God to sign in.  I have no idea what it's problem is but it is a pain.  I have to go through about fifty steps and reset my password before it would let me on.  Gone is the simple 'Sign On' button.

Anyway enough whining.  This is the tiles out the back of the house before the start of the power washing.  It hasn't been washed for probably 10 years and the drainage is backward, so water sits there and just provides a breeding ground for mould.  I will take an after photo soon.  This weekend for sure!  I am about half way through the back area.  I hope I can get it done.  I am also going to Motherhood the Musical this weekend so it will be pretty well packed.

Hair today, nits tomorrow

The nights are getting longer and colder and Levi has responded by sleeping longer into the morning.  For the first time in his life, Levi is sleeping past the crack of dawn.  Yes if you wait long enough, kids finally sleep until a proper time of the morning. 

We have started to find a rhythm again, or I have anyway.  Levi is excited about his birthday coming up and we have some very busy weekends coming up prior to that.  It is helpful to have that kind of frenetic pace at the moment, just to put me back into the present after thinking so much about the past in the last few weeks.  The hard work on the weekend is helping as well.  The relentless fight against the mould continues!

Tonight I spent about 20 minutes combing out Levi's hair.  For the first time at school, he has nits.  His friend Ty has had them the last week, so I have been checking his hair every night.  It means I caught it really early and I could comb them out with conditioner.  I'll bet you all scratched your head just reading about it. 

We have two kids in ICU at the Children's hospital at the moment.  I am not sure if we are allowed to tell each family that there is another in there.  I think the mothers would get along really well and may find some support from each other.  I will have to ask our Social worker how to make that happen.  I am hoping that they find each other.  If you are praying people, send them some thoughts.  Both those kids need some real help at the moment.

Cleaning

Today started with the sleepiest boy on earth.  I was actually unable to wake him at 7.30 when we had to start to get ready.  I opened all the windows, moved him around, and even made loads of noise and yet he slept on.  I think he was a little tired after the rock climbing last night.

He had a fun day at soccer.  The score was 8 - 1 and the 1 was a very lucky 1.  Of those goals, Levi got 6 of them, but the best part was that the team has really started to get the idea of being a team.  Then we went home and cleaned.

And Cleaned

And Cleaned!

I had some friends bring over their power washers and we all cleaned the mould off the tiles.  It sounds simple but the pavers hadn't been cleaned for many years so there were layers of mould and grime.  It was getting to the point that the kids slipped over every time they walked the path.  Pete said that he thought at one point there was a whole ecosystem as yet undiscovered by science.  I hope we didn't kill the new mould that would cure cancer! 

Climbing on

Tonight we went rock climbing.  It was a great stress reliever for me.  Levi is getting pretty good.  He loves to do the wall where you get a belayed and you go to the top.  What he loves the best though, is the free climbing.  They have a 'cave' where you practice your skills, so it isn't very high off the ground and there is a thick cushion to land on.  Levi is starting to be able to do that climbing thing where you hang upside down and still climb forward.  He can go about 3-4 feet and then he drops down.  He is getting stronger and stronger though.  Of course you forget how much he practises things like that on the monkey bars at school.

I saw the fourth Pirates of the Caribbean today.  I had a tough day and so I ditched it and went to the movies.  I have a great job.  It allows just that kind of flexibility.  So I went to a movie with almost no discernible plot and didn't think about anything.

One of my clients is currently in Intensive Care fighting for her life.  I have trouble not putting myself in her parents position.  I wish for so many things but don't even really know what I am wishing for.  I am not sure if I am wishing that she recovers.  It would only require that she repeat this process another time.  I don't want her to die.  I love her.  I don't want her to live either with a disease that is slowly killing her.  I guess all that I am really wishing for is that they all find some peace in this process.  I think even peace is not really an option.  Perhaps peace for the little girl is possible, but I think that peace for her, rips apart her family.  I can only send as much love and peace to them and as much as I am able, I will walk beside them.

Peace my friends, I love you!

Changing Direction

Not much to report today.  It has been a fairly momentous day for me because I changed directions but I can't really talk about it at all so just know that it is changing and it will be better.  Levi has been soft and snuggly all day, I think because we are both fighting off some sort of virus.  My mind is in a mess, what with making big decisions and this time of year it has been all muddled up.  On top of that, I think every fragile kid on my caseload at the moment is in hospital.  OK that is an exaggeration but there are certainly more than I want to have there (which would be zero).  It always puts me on edge a little because I can so completely see myself in that position.

 I am doing better sleeping again, and I am starting to pull out.  I can feel it. The aching rawness of it all is pulling away again and once again I can start to see the light.  That dim light way over there at the end of the tunnel.  I am not fixed but I am getting to where I can start pretending that I am again! 

Getting there

I am starting to pick myself up again and walk taller again.  It has been a hard week but I think that it always will and it is more about gritting your teeth and living through the day again.  Every year.  It is about remembering and crying and grieving all over again, but without the recognition that I am allowed to still grieve.  It is about being strung out and not quite coping and in your heart knowing that it is just going to happen every year.  You know, I am actually kind of OK with it.  I am not good with it but I am OK.  To a certain extent it gives me a reason to remember and a little more time to think about Frankie and a little more time to love him.

The people at work are incredibly sweet about the whole thing.  So much is happening there at the moment and my problems are the least of them, yet still they all know and all remember to treat me gently that day and the ones around it.  I suspended my "Only two coffees a week" rule this week and I have found that to be a really good decision because walking down for coffee forces me to take a break and just chill.

Levi has been lovely this week although inexplicably he has begun to pee in a bucket outside.  I am struggling to think of a legitimate reason to say No.  He has decided that he wants to keep it for a week.  Why?  Oh who knows!  I made him put the bucket well away from the house and other than that I figure it will rain soon and he will forget.  I am sorely tempted to put food coloring into it changing it green or blue or something.  The only drawback to that would be that it would maintain interest in the experiment longer than if I just left it alone.  That and he might try to take it to Show and Tell!

That Day Again

Yes it is that day again and again I am confronted with the absolute realisation that I am truly not yet fixed.  It seems like yesterday and it feels like a hundred years ago that I last held Frankie in my arms, but as of today it has been nine years.  I am sorry.  I am tired tonight.  I am still heart sick.  I miss my little man.

Here is a part of my book.  I hope it will stand in for me tonight.

As Frankie crept closer and closer to death, time distorted. Emotions are strange and complex. Breathing doesn’t just stop as it does on the TV. There is no dramatic sudden change; breathing one minute and not the next. Breaths just get further and further apart. There is no dramatic heartbeat and sudden alarming straight line. Heartbeats just become erratic and if you are in any hospital worth its salt, there will be no monitor to tell you when his heart actually stops. Between each of those last breaths, over and over that whole day, part of you prays that this will be the last and at the same time you hold your own breath waiting for your child’s next breath. Time seems to expand and contract. Each breath seems to take an hour but when you remember to look at the clock, suddenly you have been there forever.

But there is a time when you realize that there will be no more, and in that moment, time stopped. It seemed the world stopped spinning and the noises of life were quiet. There was a moment of peace as I realized that Frankie’s job was done. That moment of utter relief, that all I had prayed for in the last few hours had come true; my little boy had stopped hurting. But it is just a moment. My world and my time stopped, held its breath and then imploded. Suddenly it was about me and I was lost. I had no idea how anyone survives that sort of pain. All there was left was the tenacious necessity of my body to breathe. With no thought behind it and my soul crying out for it just to be done, there it was: Breathe In. Breathe Out. Breathe In. Breathe Out. Over and over again, no matter how much it hurts and I won’t deceive you, it really hurts. It is a physical, mental, visceral pain that has no solution. But, as my little boy stopped his fight for breath, my struggle began. My brain compartmentalizes but this time all of the compartments had to focus on the same thing; one breath after another. Dr Sibley came forward and listened to his chest and said the words that I still hear echo in my dreams;

“There is no little heart beating in there anymore”

Dragons

 It was a stunningly beautiful day again today.  We missed swimming again this morning but it was for a good reason.  Levi slept in until well after swimming so I was actually pleased.  He slept until 8am which is an actual miracle for him.  Then we did little until about two o'clock in the afternoon.  In fact Levi didn't get out of pyjamas until then, either.

Then we went to Luke's place to play with the new backhoe.  Levi got to drive it a little as well on Pete's lap.  It is a great thing to learn to steer vehicles in complete control well before you are allowed out on the road.  Afterwards we went down to the netball courts with a plethora of riding equipment.  We had bikes and scooters and even roller blades.  It is so nice to watch Levi riding his bike, now that he has the confidence to start and stop it by himself.

Interesting things about today:

Tonight, Levi said that he had to wear his shirt to bed because if he didn't his stomach would blow up.

Our water dragon is now so tame, I think we should name him and start treating him like a pet.  Here are some photos of this fine creature!

More Climbing

 So after school on Friday, I took Levi and Ty to Pine Rivers Park to have a play.  We met Pete with Luke and Nate there.  The kids climbed and played and fought and cried.  OK it was a bit much after the Under 8 day and all the kids at some point, and for something completely irrelevant, cried.  Luke got grumpy and wouldn't play with anyone.  Levi got grumpy with Ty and threw the flying fox at him.  Then Levi cried, because even though it didn't hit him, he felt bad.  Nate cried because he was left behind.  Yes, the adults should have had a clue and taken then home and watched a video, but the weather is gorgeous at the moment and after what feels like half a year of drenching rain, brilliant blue sky is not to be squandered!

Under 8s Day at School

The Blogger system has been down for a few days, so this is really Friday.  I had Friday off and I went to Levi's school to be a parent helper at the Under 8s day.  It just meant having a couple of kids and taking them around to all the events. The school does a fabulous job creating different events and activities for all the kids at all their different developmental ages.  It is tough to work out activities that a 4 year old and an 8 year old both find interesting!  

The boys had an absolute blast and Levi was more than excited that his Mum was there.  The other child I was looking after was Luke, so it was really easy because I know him so well.  The kids all have little booklets that they have all the activities in.  Once an activity is done it is stamped and they go on their way to the next activity.  There were fire engines and goop.  There was obstacle courses and Play dough.  Really it was a kid's dream!  Then we could all drop them back at the classroom for the afternoon session.  I can't even imagine trying to be the teacher for that afternoon.  Sounds like a nightmare to me! 

Grief and Gain

I have done with this week and I am very grateful.  It is always hard this week.  I feel like I am swimming through a mist all the time and my thoughts and movements all seem laboured.  I can't believe this far down the track and I am still struggling to come to terms with the fact that Frank is really just not going to come back.  I sometimes think that I am perseverating on his death.  I think that it is hard to tell the difference sometimes.  My mother would (and regularly does) just tell me to get over things like this.  I don't believe that she is the expert.  Nor do I believe that I am perseverating.  If I were I think that more of my days would dwell on Frank's death and less on Levi's and my life. 

We had a lecture at work the other day about grief (cheery hey!) and I walked away wanting to slit my wrists.  Perhaps it is just that it is hard to hear about different types of grief and different theories of grief and different ways of grieving, without thinking that behind all of that is just a lot of pain and that started to press down on me, that idea of all that grief that everyone feels.  I was just so weighed down by all that emotion, through the ages.  All that sadness just has to have a reason, a meaning that gives it sanity.  I don't know, perhaps I need a little longer in this life or the next. 

When I look at myself now compared to the me that existed before real grief, I am very different.  I am both weaker and stronger in many ways.  I find myself weaker in many little ways.  My emotions are closer to the surface at times, but some would argue that is better.  I cry at odd times but I'm able to hold back if I have to.  Things hurt more than they used to.  Before real grief, I had learned to hold hurt at bay somewhat and only react to the bigger stuff.  That is not true anymore.  Maybe that is what grief is for.  Maybe it puts us in a position where you start to question yourself, question authority, question medicine and particularly question God.  Maybe it makes you take a good hard look at your morals and ideals.  It makes you take a good hard look at yourself and your interaction with the world.  Maybe that is what it's for.

Mother's Day

This is the Mother's Day jewelry box and I love it.  Levi made the box and the bracelet and a lovely card that just added to the whole beauty. 

Mother's day continues to be a difficult day for me.  I am a little sorry about the coincidence that put Mother's Day as the last Sunday that I spent with Frankie and it certainly contained his last truly happy moment, when he laughed and loved and didn't think about pain.  The kids had bought disc shooters to give their mothers and the kids spent some time that day shooting each other and shooting us and shooting the nurses as they walked past the door.  The boys all laughed and laughed.  It didn't last long.  Frank didn't have the breath to laugh long and the pain was always there ready to jump him again.  But for a few minutes there, it was just three little boys happy and at peace, unaware that just around the corner their world and ours was going to change.

Ah sweetheart, you made me a mother by your birth, but you made me a different kind of mother with your death.  Both changed the very core of me.  Levi has made me a different mother too and he continues to change me every day.  I love you both so much and I am proud to be your mother.

Camping at Somerset

This weekend we went to Somerset dam, which is quite full at the moment.  We went with Di and Bear and their two kids and we had a fabulous time!  I had to work late and so Di picked Levi up from school.  After getting the third degree, she was finally able to take him.  I had already let them know it was happening as well.  Oh Well! At least no one can get him who shouldn't.  I drove up late and got up there about 6.30.  We had lots of help putting the tent up from the kids and Levi got to sleep in a tent again which he was excited about.

The weather was perfect and there was a fog in the morning, but it burned off by about 9.30 to a beautiful sunshine day.  We went out in the boat and tubed until the kids arms were tired and then we fished.  The first day we got 13 fish in about half an hour but they were all Talapia.  Talapia hold an interesting place in Australian waterways.  They are considered the Canetoad of the waterways.  As it is illegal to actually put them back into the water we saved them up and at the end threw them onto the bank to feed the eagles that were ready and waiting for a free feed.

The second day was very like the first and it was just lovely.  We packed up around about mid afternoon and that meant that most of the rest of the campers were already gone and it also meant that everything was very dry when we put it away.  I didn't have to redo anything when I got home and was very grateful for that as well.  The boys all got on really well and Levi learned to tube and he learned how to start and stop his bike without help.  All in all it was a great weekend!

Sneak Peeks of this weekend!

I am too tired to write about this weekend but it was really fun and both Levi and I are trashed!

Notes from the Morning

So the last few days I have had this beautiful little reminder from Levi on a Post It note on the door.  I came home from work one day and there it was!  Levi has about an hour in the morning after I leave that he gets to pretty much do his own thing.  He stays downstairs and plays or watches TV and then when it is time my Mum takes him to school.  He has an adult in the house so he is safe but he is by himself enough that he gets some chill out time. 

Most of the time he just colours but this day he wrote me a note and I love it.  I will keep it in my memory box and save it for a time that I need a boost.  I asked him why it is 'I' and 'We' and he said that the 'we' was Ruby and that they had talked about writing a note when she was over last time.

Levi has been working at the computer more and more with his homework.  Already!  It scares me a little about how far behind I will be in the time that he is my age and technology has advanced as fast as it appears to be at the moment.  Knowing Levi he will be up on it and can explain (in short sentences no doubt) how to do things to me. 

So Levi gets home from school; takes off his shirt; gets a drink of milk and then works a bit while I am getting dinner.  His desk faces where I am in the kitchen so we can chat about the day.  It is a very relaxing routine and gets all the chores done that we need.

That and he loves me

Have I said lately how much I love the little mancub?

Surprise!

Today I pick up Levi after school, instead of from After School Care.  His soccer practice is at 4pm, so I have adjusted my schedule to allow that to happen.  that would be great, except today is actually Tuesday.  I know it's Wednesday, but all day I have thought it was Tuesday.  Some of it is the fact that I am just back from vacation and the other is that the public holiday Monday has completely mucked my system.  So I am in the middle of something at work, I suddenly realized that it was, in fact, Wednesday.

I made it on time, but it was a bit of a rush.  Then we were chatting on the way home and he was talking about the 'thing' he is making for me for Mother's Day.  He wanted me to guess what it was.  I guessed a few times and then he said;

"Don't guess it's a jewelry box!"

Right as he said it, he clapped his hands over his mouth and then laughed and laughed.

Have I said lately how much I love his sense of humour

Have I said lately how much I love that little mancub!

Fish Anyone?

On the weekend we found Dabber floating upside down.  So now our fish tank is down to Dibber and Ultralord (the snail).  I was interested in Levi's reactions.  I thought of several possibilities, but when it came down to it, he surprised me again.  He looked at Dabber reflectively for a while and then looks up at me and says;

"It's a pity he's not a bit bigger, because then we could eat him!"

Definitely not expected, I can assure you.  I laughed and explained that we weren't sure what had killed him anyway, so eating him was probably a bad idea.  Then we discussed what to do with him.  Finally we decided to flush him.  we get to the toilet and Levi's only question?

"Big flush or little?"

So there are no lingering concerns now about how he would cope when the fish died!  That and I think we both actually like Ultralord the best anyway!

Reflecting

It was Labour Day today.  Yes, I finally found out why we had a day off.  Initially we were going to go skating at the rink but Levi freaked on the way out, because he thought we were talking about the skate park and not the rink.  So it wasn't worth it.  I gave up.  It wasn't worth fighting him on a day that he was tired anyway.  About a second later Ty called wanting Levi to come and play, so it was all solved!  Just to let you know, Nate (above) was checking his brakes (you can hardly tell his Dad is a mechanic) and even though the photo looks like a huge stack, it isn't. 

In the afternoon, we all met at the netball courts to play.  It made me feel happy watching the kids play happily without worry of terrorism or fear that their lives would suddenly change.  It made me feel sorry for Osama Bin Laden.  I know I am not supposed to feel sorry for him but I can't help it.  Actually what I feel is incredibly complicated.  I think that the world is safer today than it was last week or at least I hope so.  I think that if I were in front of Osama and had the opportunity, I would have pulled that trigger quite happy in the knowledge of 'greater good'.  I am happy that he is dead.

I my heart though, I feel very sorry for him, but more sorry for his children and grandchildren, all being fed hate with their breast milk and continued until there is no option but the thought processes they have been indoctrinated in.  I see the same indoctrination in other places too, including Australia and USA.  I have no idea how to teach Levi what I believe is the truth, without taking from him the ability and the permission to question them.  I want him to be free from my biases and my fears.  I want him to be strong enough to look for the answers himself, even if the answers take a lifetimes.  Above all I want him to be compassionate, not just to those it comes easy for.

I will look back on the day that the navy killed Osama with relief, but I hope that we all look back on this day with a reflection of what it is possible that any one of us could have become, given a different birth place, different parents, different brain patterns, different childhood. 

Look at this face.  I can only hope that he becomes a proud happy adult who has the courage to take the shot if he needs but take it with compassion. 

Swimming ahead

Today we went to swimming.  Levi had a fabulous day and listened really well.  All the kids did actually and that always helps them all.  They try so hard to follow the commands of the teacher and valiantly try to obey, but at times they all get confused!  I so so bummed that I didn't have the video running today.  They do freestyle first and then backstroke.  The kids had all just been switched from freestyle to backstroke and they had done a couple of laps with the kick board.  Then the teacher said;

"OK Come over without the kick board.  Don't forget your backstroke arms"

So the three kids all put themselves in the freestyle position and did backstroke arms.  They had to kick like fiends to move forwards at all!  For every kick, their arms were propelling them back against it.  All of them still made it to the end but it must have wiped them out!  And it was funny!  I mean really funny, esp. as all the adults interpreted the words as likely those reading it did, as adults.  We would have done backstroke!

It seems that USA has now acquired the weather that has been plaguing Australia for the last several months.  The tornadoes are of a scale higher again than normal, just as the flooding and the cyclones have been that level above here.  They have produced satellite before and after photos for the tornadoes just as they did for the floods and it is well worth a look.  I hope that they can recover.  I hope that they can pull up from the dual crosses they are bearing in those central states.  I think they were only just starting to think about pulling of of their financial woes and along comes this kind of weather!