10 months

 I am still in a bit of a funk but to a certain extent I am happy to let it run it's course for a few days.  I think contrary to my families ideas, that it doesn't hurt to just feel bad for a little while and then pull out of it.  I was looking at photos today, the good ones and the bad ones.  It is amazing sometimes at how similar the kids actually are.  In the early days of Levi's life, the similarity with Frank was overwhelming, but now as Levi becomes so much older than Frank ever was, the similarity dims, but it is still there at times, esp in a laugh or a giggle.

Here are photos of Frank and Levi at the same age.  They are about 10 months and you can see that they have the same smile.  They still do.  It is with humour that their closeness is so obvious.  I have found that these are the earliest photos that I have of Levi.  I didn't get access to the camera in those days much and didn't get the photos or negatives at that time in the divorce.  I am hoping that I can rectify that at some point .

I think that one of the hardest things about moving to Australia, was how completely I had to give up Frankie.  No one here has really known him at all.  In USA, there are stories that I still haven't heard of, from friend's memories of time with Frank.  I don't have to explain it.  I don't have to remind people or tell people why I am cranky this week.  I don't have to act happy when I'm not really.  Then I thought that some of the problem, was that I have never really given anyone the opportunity to know him.  I have not sat down with the DVDs and told those stories to my friends here.  I have not allowed myself the luxury of laughing and crying over his antics.  These short lapses into sadness are not a bad thing.  Maybe it will give some people an insight into me.  I am not fixed.  I know it.  I am not able to fix that part of me that misses him, but I think that I never want that. 

Changes

My body is begging for some sleep and there is a little part of my mind that just won't shut up long enough to allow it to happen.  I think that is is incredible how long this can last.  On Friday, Frankie would have been 11 years old.  It is amazing and terrible at the same time.  I can't believe how long ago that was and I can't believe how short.  I still miss him like it was yesterday.  I remember that day of his birth as if it was yesterday.  I think that the first time that a child is placed in your arms to be yours, a change happens, an inherent change in your system.

I thought that things would feel different but I didn't know how much.  I remember the nurses words when she handed him to me;

"Here is your son"

The words changed me.  They changed a deep part of me.  They healed something.

I remember other words too.  Words that changed me.  Words that reached in and ripped out my heart;

"There is no little heart beating in there anymore"

There were a lot of other words in between those two sets.  Happy words.  Sad words.  Laughter.  Tears.  Fear. I don't remember any of those words with the stark clarity of these ones.  Oh there are others that I remember quite well.  Having a good verbal memory is, I can assure you, more of a curse than a blessing.  There is just so much emotion associated with these words that the feeling is overwhelming.  Even now, even 11 years later.

But April 1st should be happy.  It should be the day that I rejoice in the start of three years with him.  It should be a day when I remember the first set of words and think less about the second set.  It is just impossible.  I try.  I really try to remember the happy things.  I try to remember how wonderful it was.  I try, but I fail.  I just miss him, every day, all the time

First Soccer Game

 Levi had his first soccer game today.  The score (We are not keeping score at this age but try to tell the kids that!) was 12 - 1 and our team won.  Actually of that score, Levi got a half the goals, but I was very proud of him because he actually did pass the ball a few times.  He looked a year older than everyone else out there today.  i am not really sure why.  He was a head taller than some of the kids but was not the tallest.  Some of it was that he did actually control the ball, tackle and dribble, without the swarm of bumblebee look that most soccer games have at this age.  Who knows, I was proud of him and it was a lovely feeling.  He was proud of himself as well and that was very cute, esp when he realised that the one goal in opposition to them was when Levi was sitting on the sidelines.

The referee was about 12 and she was beautiful as well.  It was her first time refereeing and every now and then she would blow the whistle and then think about it, laugh and then apologize to all the kids.  She was cheered by the parents as well. 



Friday Frenzy

Today was a busy one again.  I had most of the day off work, but I had a lot of stuff to do around the house.  There was a heap of mowing, weed whacking and trimming.  At one point I had to cut a bunch of branches of a big tree half way up the driveway.  I figured that I would take the farm truck and back it up under the tree.  Then I could stand on the tray at the back ad cut down the limbs that I needed to.  Unfortunately, it was too high, even after I stood on the unsteady edges of the tray.  As you can tell, this wasn't going to end well and it didn't.  I decide to climb the tree and gut from there.  No, I wasn't so stupid as to cut myself out of the tree but after I got up this easily climbable tree, I discovered that it wasn't so easy to keep your balance while using a hand saw.  I fell out.  Of Course I fell out.  The good news is that the branch I was trying to cut broke, so at least I achieved something.

After school was out, Levi and I went to Go Wild and played there for a couple of hours with a bunch of his friends.  They shut the place for a half an hour aft 5pm to clean it and get organized and we left and went to Nino's place for Teresa's birthday.  Levi was happy because Robbie was there and it is just such a lovely thing to watch them together.  Robbie is so much older than Levi but loves him dearly.  I think if Levi had been his real brother he would have quickly tired of him and the relationship would be very different.  At one point Levi was walking in the house with Robbie's little protective arm around him.  No wonder Levi loves him so much.

It was about 9pm when we left there, only 2 hours post bed time.  Levi was already trashed!  About 5 minutes into the car trip he fell asleep in that 'I'm completely gone' sleep of the incredibly tired child.  Adults never have that look even when they too are completely exhausted.  Look at that sweet thing.  I hope he sleeps in!!

Racing Patience

Tonight Jack came back from Japan.  We all had dinner together and then played Racing Patience (seen here).  Levi was so tired from school today that before we had even left the school, he had cried twice.  The first time was because I took the ramp and he took the stairs and he wanted me to be with him.  Then he cried because I wouldn't go back to After School Care and do it all again.  I think that it is just too long a term and he is really tired. 

I took tomorrow off, because I am tired as well.  I think that it has been too hot for too long and work is hard at the moment.  I have enough hours this week already to make up the week, so I am going to get the yard work done that was half done last weekend.  I hate half done.  Really, it just looks bad and it annoys me every time that I see it.

This weekend, we were supposed to be camping but the other family dropped out.  I was grateful because it is still as hot as Hades.  I think that if we wait a few weeks it may cool off enough to make it at least bearable.  Plus Levi has his first soccer game this weekend.  It will be really fun.  They play Small Sided Soccer, with 5 people at once on the very short field.  This year instead of just practicing, he gets to play a game!!  I wonder if he will be as happy afterwards.

More trouble

Today Levi was in trouble at school again and when he was telling me, I struggled not to laugh .... Again!!  He was in trouble because he accidentally peed on his mate Luke.  They were in the bathroom together and he was talking to Luke.  When Luke didn't answer him, he turned to face him!  Well that was that.  Poor boy, he was very upset about it all.

Tonight I went to my friends house.  One of those friends that you can go and have dinner and just instantly relax, chill out and after you leave you feel 1000 times better.  Thank you I needed that!  Levi plays so well there as well.

Charity begins in the home!

There is little that I can do about Japan at the moment.  It is a disaster on a scale that has made me do something that I didn't think I would.  I have turned off the news.  I now won't allow Levi to watch.  I think that it's fine that he knows what is going on in the world but the sensational images coming out of Japan at the moment, don't belong at 6pm.  I am happy to talk about life and death with Levi, probably more than most mothers, but the enormity of this scale blows my mind, let alone for a five year old who doesn't really get that he is safe in Australia from earthquakes, and safe in Samford from Tsunamis.

I have really no ability to help out either financially.  But thanks to my brother Jack, we can help out in other ways.  This is Takane and Sophie.  Sophie has a Caucasian dad as you can see.  They are here to wait out nuclear disasters and disasters.  Sophie is in Grade six and the schools are currently on Spring Break in Japan.  The safest thing was to fly somewhere really safe; somewhere sitting right in the middle of a tectonic plate, so the biggest earthquake happens when a truck drives past.  So we get to have them for a bit.  It will be great for Levi.  He will have a little mate and he can learn in a very safe controlled way, both about the disasters in Japan and what ordinary, poor people can sometimes do to help!

It has been great already.  They both speak English very well and if they are here for any length of time, I think we will work to get Sophie to school with Levi.  It might actually extend the education to the whole school, which would be a lovely thing.

Advice from Grade Two

It has been a quiet weekend.  This is mostly because it has rained consistently all weekend.  I was all excited that I would have a whole day on Saturday to do the yard.  Levi was spending the day at Ty's playing and I could do the yard.  After getting started with a few hours on Friday, I thought it could all be done.  No such luck of course.  Now it all just looks half finished.  Ah well, I shall look at that for a week before there is a chance that I can fix it.  What I did get done was Levi's room!

Today it still rained.  We had a quiet day at home as the causeway was up and I didn't want to go too far from home.  Unfortunately it will be down again tomorrow, taking away both Levi's and my excuses to have another quiet one.  As we were chatting at one point today, we had a very funny conversation:

"Mum, I know all the words that you can't say at school"

"Really! Who told you?"

"A Grade Twoer, who used to be a Grade Oner last year in After School Care"

"What are the words you can't say?"

"Well there is a 'B' word and two 'P' words"

( Now you can imagine where my mind goes from here!)

Then he says, "You can't say 'butt' or 'pee' and you aren't allowed to say 'p***s', but I am not sure what else to call it if I get hurt in my p***s"

I nearly laughed here, because my 'B' word was very different as were my 'P' words.

Then he came up with the best line of all:

"The worst word is the 'F' word, you really can't say that"

I then asked him what that word was and he leaned closer and with a conspiratorial whisper said;

"I don't know but I think it might be 'fart'

Oh to be five again and get solid advice from a kid a couple of years older and yet not really understand that advice.  That said I am also inordinately grateful that his 'F' word was not the one that I suspect he has actually heard before.  (Not from his perfect mother of course, but someone else!)

Watching Bad Movies

Tonight I am watching "Prince of Persia".  My advice to anyone else would be not to.  It is worth the diversion for a little while but there is no real plot and extremely poor acting in my opinion but I was not looking for plot or acting tonight, I was looking for diversion.  I am tired tonight.  I am sure that it's because I am having trouble turning off my brain at night at the moment. 

Last night after lying awake for a while in bed, I texted two friends who are currently having the same trouble.  Unfortunately they both answered me.  I am thinking of (or trying to think of) solutions to so many things at the moment.  I am sure that the solutions would come more readily if I was rested fully, but you can't tell your brain anything it doesn't already know at 1am in the morning. 

Levi is having some trouble getting to sleep as well.  I am wondering if I should make his bed time later.  I will have to think about it for a little while though because I don't want to react suddenly to something that is just an aberration or a reaction to his mother's insomnia.

Soccer again

Today Levi's soccer started again.  Actually in a very standard Samford Rangers mix up, I had an Email that said his practice wasn't today and then I got a phone call from Ruby's Mum saying it was today.  Who knows where the fall down is, but it seems that it is fairly standard.  In fact on the website, still, it says training doesn't start until next week.  Levi loves soccer and I was happy to swing home and get his stuff and join the 'Team United'!!

He is in Ruby's team, which will be quite useful.  I am planning to take Wednesday afternoons off as much as possible.  Then I will get Levi and Ruby from school.  They can play together for about 45 minutes and then we will get dressed and go to soccer.  Levi has been missing Ruby play time.  He will be very pleased.  I am getting burned out at work, so I think leaving early will help me as well.

Tomorrow, I fly out again on Outreach, but only for a day this time!

Wish Ribbons

The other activity that they had at GOMA was a wall of 'wish ribbons'.  The idea was that you read the ribbons and find one that speaks to you.  The ribbons are then worn around your wrist.  If you can't find your wish, then there was paper that you could write it on and stick in the wall.  There were wishes that made you laugh and wishes that tore at your heart.  Ty wanted a wish that said;

"I wish I had a tail to show my emotions"

Levi spent an inordinate amount of time looking.  This is made harder at the moment as he can only read some of the words on any ribbon.  Finally I asked him what he wanted and eventually wrote it on a paper for him to stick in the wall.  Levi's wish?

"I wish my brother didn't die"

I wonder sometimes how much Levi thinks about Frankie.  We don't talk about him a whole lot but that said, it isn't a taboo subject either.  He never met him and they are very different children.  The last time that we talked about him would have been several days before.  I hadn't mentioned him that day and yet up pops this wish.  It makes me think that perhaps that really is his greatest wish and that perhaps Frankie sits just below the surface for Levi as well as for me.  I think that he misses what he sees in his friends.  He misses having someone there to play with all the time and he misses the comradeship that he sees in Luke and Nate.  This is just me surmising.  I don't know what he wants from his wish but I do know one thing:

My greatest wish would be to grant my son's greatest wish

Finally Today

Finally after four posts tonight, this is what we did today.  After a very late night after Jim's birthday party, we slept in, well past swimming practice.  It was a very slow morning. 

Levi got a book on how to make games from the Library this week.  He was dead keen, so we got together and built him a home made Snakes and Ladders.  It came out really well and then he and I played several games.  That was my day and Levi's.  It was fabulous. 

GOMA

Levi and I went to GOMA (Gallery of Modern Art) this weekend.  We went with Jane and Lenore and picked up Ty on the way.  It was fantastic.  They have a great child oriented display at the moment.  There was a long table just of white Legos.  You can imagine how much time we had to spend there.  It was a great chance for adults to unbend and remember what it was like to be a child.  There were some really impressive buildings there as well.  They stay about three days and then they get taken down to be replaced with other buildings.  Levi and Ty spent hours building Lego and then we went around, looked at a few exhibits and at the end returned to the Lego.  They had choices like the bird room that had music and lights every place birds landed.  They could have chosen the slide that went down three storeys.  But No we went back to Lego.  You would have thought that they both didn't have a choice for Lego at home!!

What they would wait in line for though was the balloon room.  It was a huge room with glass doors.  Inside are 3000 purple balloons, blown up to be huge.  Then you could go inside and walk around in there.  It was over the boy's heads.  It was over the adult's heads.  It was really fun!

Here is our construction. 

The boys did the base and I did the star.

Week Away

Last week was an Outreach week.  My team went to Cairns.  Not the beautiful, peaceful tropical paradise, it was the monsoon rain hammered town about three weeks post cyclone.  It didn't stop raining.  Frankly I didn't see blue sky, really ever, the whole time.  It was a strange week all up.  Some kids we didn't see at all because at the last minute they were cancelled.  On Wednesday night we went to Mission beach, to see a little one there.  Mission beach looked like it had been hit by Napalm, or Agent Orange.  It was deforested.  Even three weeks post cyclone, the forest looks as if it had been assaulted yesterday.  Huge trees had been snapped off at the base.  The trees weren't even cleanly broken.  It looked as if the trees had been spun around so many times on their base, eventually they had succumbed and finally splintered.

We arrived in the afternoon, and it started to rain.  In the next 36 hours we got in excess of 500mm of rain.  That in the face of storm blocked drains, it flooded and we were stuck.  For a day of working on the phone, we actually had a quiet one.  Twice we tried driving out but were thwarted. 

The next day after the rain had dropped to a more normal monsoonal level, we were able to get out fairly easily.  Then we flew home and Yes it was a really bumpy trip!

Peanuts

Last Sunday, Levi and I harvested our peanut crop.  I have never grown peanuts before and it was really quite fun.  They grow and flourish and then they flower and then die.  Here are our flowers.

Here is our dead plant.  Once they really die, you just have to dig up the whole root system and sort out the peanuts.  I just gave Levi a trowel and he dug up the peanuts and prepared the ground for the next plant, all at the same time!

And then these are our peanuts.  They were delicious, but do taste different than even the raw peanuts that you buy.  They seemed to be more watery.  That doesn't sound appetizing but they are more delicious, I can assure you.

Back Again

Well, I finally got home tonight!  It has been a long hard fairly strange week but I am completely trashed and have some time to make up with my little button boy, so I am going to bed!

Busy days and Off again

Busy again today.  We started with swimming practice.  I might as well have stayed in bed.  His regular teacher was ill and the substitute was running the class at the lowest common denominator.  Essentially, it was run at the level of the worst in the class, a girl who is incapable of paying attention.  So little pushed Levi.  Actually it may be a good thing.  Levi had an easy day. 

Then we went to move Pam (work friend) from under her sister's house to her mother's while her house is being built.  I am amazed that they stayed where they were as long as they did.  I had met the guy living upstairs for about 10 minutes before I wanted to whack him.  I have no idea how Pam or Clint held off from whacking him for a year!!  We arrived at their house at about 9am to be met by the dork, with a cigarette and a rum.  Anyway we start to load the back of the flat bed truck and do you think dork was able to lift a finger, of course not.  The first time he helped was to take the ropes from us (we were girls you know) and tie it down.

The afternoon ended with a mega eggs at Nino's house.  It was actually quite fun as there were a bunch of people there I hadn't seen for a while.  Levi had Robbie as well.  Now I leave for Cairns tomorrow morning.  Back on Friday night !!

Bowling

 Today was a busy one again.  The rain last night pushed the creek up and then back down again but it sits hovering at a level that quickly becomes impassable.  This morning it was passable.  We went to a kid's 6th birthday at the bowling alley.  It was the same kid whose mother has been harassing Levi, but I decided that I would be the adult and allow Levi to go.  I was not going to just drop him off and leave him though.  I didn't trust anyone that much.

It was a Star Wars party, which was a little difficult.  It meant that the kids were hyped up and then given light sabers to beat each other up with.  I was mostly just watching the kids and making sure that they were all playing OK together.  At one point I was out of the room but when I came back in Levi was distraught.  The story is that he and another kid were whacking each other with swords.  Levi clipped the other kid's ear and he cried.  Levi then said he was sorry "like 100 times!!" but got corrected by the birthday child's mother.  Levi was sobbing on my knee for about 15 minutes, while it seems the one who got hurt was fine.  At one point Levi said to me;

"I am never going to play with anyone except you ever again, it is too hard!"

I think he is a little jaded about the friend thing at the moment.  He settled down after a few cuddles and happy thoughts but it will take a little longer before he isn't gun shy.

After bowling we went and played with Luke and Nate at the big playplace just around the corner.  It was a pretty good day all around.

SeaWorld Days

 We have just spent the last two days down the coast for a dive at SeaWorld.  It went really well and the kids had a blast.  I joke about how my work pays me to dive but it is incredibly hard work.  I love it don't get me wrong but I feel as if I could sleep for a week afterward.  This time there was quite a bit of coverage.  We were on the 6 o'clock news all around the country and will be in New Idea sometime soon.  I think that we will get a clip eventually but I don't know when.  It was a great day for the dive and has really rained since.  Likely we will get trapped in again. 

SeaWorld and Counting

This is a quick one.  Tomorrow we go to SeaWorld to go diving.  It will be interesting and really fun.  The logistics at short short notice have been incredible.  I can't wait and Levi is also super excited.  He is excited, not about getting two days off school, not about SeaWorld.  He is excited that all of my work mates are picking him up from school and driving him down the coast....funny thing!!