10 months

 I am still in a bit of a funk but to a certain extent I am happy to let it run it's course for a few days.  I think contrary to my families ideas, that it doesn't hurt to just feel bad for a little while and then pull out of it.  I was looking at photos today, the good ones and the bad ones.  It is amazing sometimes at how similar the kids actually are.  In the early days of Levi's life, the similarity with Frank was overwhelming, but now as Levi becomes so much older than Frank ever was, the similarity dims, but it is still there at times, esp in a laugh or a giggle.

Here are photos of Frank and Levi at the same age.  They are about 10 months and you can see that they have the same smile.  They still do.  It is with humour that their closeness is so obvious.  I have found that these are the earliest photos that I have of Levi.  I didn't get access to the camera in those days much and didn't get the photos or negatives at that time in the divorce.  I am hoping that I can rectify that at some point .

I think that one of the hardest things about moving to Australia, was how completely I had to give up Frankie.  No one here has really known him at all.  In USA, there are stories that I still haven't heard of, from friend's memories of time with Frank.  I don't have to explain it.  I don't have to remind people or tell people why I am cranky this week.  I don't have to act happy when I'm not really.  Then I thought that some of the problem, was that I have never really given anyone the opportunity to know him.  I have not sat down with the DVDs and told those stories to my friends here.  I have not allowed myself the luxury of laughing and crying over his antics.  These short lapses into sadness are not a bad thing.  Maybe it will give some people an insight into me.  I am not fixed.  I know it.  I am not able to fix that part of me that misses him, but I think that I never want that.