Changes

My body is begging for some sleep and there is a little part of my mind that just won't shut up long enough to allow it to happen.  I think that is is incredible how long this can last.  On Friday, Frankie would have been 11 years old.  It is amazing and terrible at the same time.  I can't believe how long ago that was and I can't believe how short.  I still miss him like it was yesterday.  I remember that day of his birth as if it was yesterday.  I think that the first time that a child is placed in your arms to be yours, a change happens, an inherent change in your system.

I thought that things would feel different but I didn't know how much.  I remember the nurses words when she handed him to me;

"Here is your son"

The words changed me.  They changed a deep part of me.  They healed something.

I remember other words too.  Words that changed me.  Words that reached in and ripped out my heart;

"There is no little heart beating in there anymore"

There were a lot of other words in between those two sets.  Happy words.  Sad words.  Laughter.  Tears.  Fear. I don't remember any of those words with the stark clarity of these ones.  Oh there are others that I remember quite well.  Having a good verbal memory is, I can assure you, more of a curse than a blessing.  There is just so much emotion associated with these words that the feeling is overwhelming.  Even now, even 11 years later.

But April 1st should be happy.  It should be the day that I rejoice in the start of three years with him.  It should be a day when I remember the first set of words and think less about the second set.  It is just impossible.  I try.  I really try to remember the happy things.  I try to remember how wonderful it was.  I try, but I fail.  I just miss him, every day, all the time