Last Few Days

The last few days have been quite busy.  Actually they made the last few weeks look really easy.  Friday night was our Night Dive with the Shark Bait Kids.  I have to say I was more nervous than I care to admit about the dive going in.  I was relaxed that I would be in control of my dive and the kid that I was with, but the difference was, from underwater, I couldn't quickly see everything.  I was used to the quick scan, that told me that all the other kids were OK too. 

Now I don't want it to sound like I don't trust them but they are kids.  Kids that inherently can't do instructions as well as others.  All my fears were unnecessary though.  The kids did really well.  The instructors did really well and the other therapists all did really well.  The kids all had a blast and the dive was fantastic.  I was on a high afterward and the kids were worse.  They all had so much fun.

Saturday was about getting organized and went from there.  I was supposed to go to the Chemical Engineering Reunion with the rest of the family, but at the last minute got a reprieve.  It was a cocktail party thing and then a big cheese type dinner.  Now I would rather be dragged naked through brambles than get all dressed up to talk small talk all night with people I'll never see again.  On top of that I was going to have to pay for the privilege by getting babysitting for Levi.   Now chatting with a few people over dinner or drinks, in jeans and a T-Shirt; Now that I could spend lots of time doing.  So I couldn't find a sitter for Saturday and I got a night off.

Sunday night we had the carolling night.  I am going to fix those photos, so I will save the post for next time!

45 Today

Today is my birthday.  I had a busy non-birthday day.  I went to work early because I had to go to the coast again.  For a birthday it was kind of quiet.  I worked and Levi went to school.  He was cranky when I picked him up because I wouldn't buy him a slushy.  He moaned a bit about it but was fine by the time I got home.  That was about the whole of it. 

I have been thinking about other birthdays.  I think it's a good idea to do that on your birthday.  To see where you have been.

At 5, I was in USA

At 15, I was at High School, It was the year that I learned that I was stronger than I ever believed that I could be.  It was the year that I learned how to trust myself before trusting anyone. 

At 25, I was relearning that lesson.  Life once again was showing me that no matter how weak you think you are, you are stronger than you can believe.  It was the beginning of learning that you can indeed trust other people as well as yourself, so long as you never forget the trust in yourself.

At 35, I learned that no matter how much it hurt when it happens to you, it hurts that much more when things happen to those you love.  It was the year that I realized that Frankie had something that I should be very afraid of.  It was the first year of real sickness for him.  It was the year of escalating drug trials.

At 45, I am still learning.  Levi coughs in the background as I type.  His asthma has flared again, probably in response to a minor illness.  The illness is likely in response to his being way too tired and getting to the end of term.  It isn't a scary cough and in a few days it will disappear again.  Tomorrow night we do the night dive with the Shark Bait Kids and in less than a fortnight, Levi and I will be on holidays and in USA. 

I wonder where I'll be in 10 more years!

In Trouble

Levi was in trouble today.  In the morning after I left, he was talking with my sister and when my mother came in, he neglected to instantly respond to her greeting.  Jo roused on him and told him how much he'd hurt her feelings and then cried.  Then I got an Email at work, telling all about it.

I just want to be on holidays and to take him away to where people don't expect him to be the adult.  I don't know what the right thing to do is at times.  I know that I don't want him to grow up too quickly.  He is five, not even five and a half yet.  Sometimes kids concentrate on one thing and ignore their surroundings.  Sometimes kids don't hear.  Sometimes kids make mistakes.  The key here is that he is a kid.  He shouldn't have to shoulder the burden.  That is an adult's job.  It all just seemed like such an irrelevant event.  It doesn't seem to have warranted the response that it got, esp from an adult to the child.  I don't have any idea if I should try to explain to him what happened or just let it go.  I don't know whether to explain to him that some adults need a lot more maintenance, or just to explain to him that he should just stay downstairs and play quietly until it is time for school.

I chose the latter.  I don't want to have him not like his grandmother.  I had a grandmother that disliked us as children and I don't want that to happen here.  This incident is not that bad but it did make me sit up and think.  It also made me recount the days to holidays.  I can't wait!

Changing Perspective

 Levi climbing the stairs of the pool

Upside down and Backwards

Tonight Levi changed my perspective again.  He was about to go to bed and he perked up and said;

"Why don't we sleep with our heads at the other end of the bed?"

I thought it was a fabulous idea and so he is in there sleeping with his head at the foot of the bed.  I realized that kids spend a lot of time playing around with their perspectives, but as we approach adulthood, we settle into what is right or correct or socially appropriate.  I wonder that it isn't a really good thing to settle in so securely.  It is great to watch Levi climb up steps of a pool backward, just because he could and it was worth trying.  I could have told him that he wasn't going to have the strength to get out that way, but it would have ruined the experience of just trying something completely different. 

I wonder how much better we would all get along as adults if we allowed ourselves to change our perspectives more often.  I really envy my sister some times.  I think that her mind gives her different ideas at times.  Admittedly they are sometimes extremely disordered but it does give you a new look at life by listening to her schemes.  I am trying to withhold the instant "That can't work" mentality that I have as she talks.  Oh, I am right, the ideas have flaws that you could drive a Hummer through, but they also are looking at things from a different stance

Friday

 What?  I'm not doing Anything!!

Yesterday, I had to go to the coast to talk to the people at the Marriott and work out this dive for the Shark Bait kids.  It was my second trip to the coast in 2 days because Wednesday, SeaWorld had suddenly decided that they couldn't do Friday.  They couldn't do the time and day that we had all rearranged our schedules for.  They could only do Thursday. 

I had Mim this trip instead of being by myself, so with the long conversations about the inconsistencies of the powers of the mutants in X-Men or other deep and meaningful things.  It meant that I wasn't alone with my thoughts, which is always dangerous.

I picked Levi up after school and we had 2 meltdowns before we made it the 5 minutes home.  The first was because I hadn't worked out that the 'password' was 'Rocket Boy'.  The other was because he was telling me how he had fallen off his scooter in the morning going to school.  He hadn't cried at the time....at all! By the afternoon's retelling however he didn't make it through the story.

Man!  That kid is getting tired.  All the kids are getting tired.  We all need a break. 

It has been raining again.  Not the hammering rain that was previously being experienced, just a on and off sprinkling.  Levi and I were washing turkey poo off the concrete and I went back inside so he could wash his 'work site'.  By the time that I got back, he was filling a bucket that he shouldn't have been.  I didn't really care but the guilty look said that he didn't think it was a strictly legal activity.

Just that small amount of rain had the causeway go under water again.  It doesn't make me overly confident about this wet season.  The ground is just not absorbing water any more.  Pretty much it goes straight into the creek.  Not much of a buffer any more. 

Old Thoughts

At the moment I am trying to find a powerpoint that I did in USA before coming home.  It was about Genetics but that was irrelevant.  The point is, I took out the external hard drive and was looking through it.  I found something that I had forgotten.  It is a poem that Evan wrote when he was 5.  It was a year after Frank had died.  It still makes me tear up. 

For My Brother

You will be my brother

You will be sitting on my shoulder

When you will be presented

Dead onto the Gods of your soul

That will know you.

So, you will be with me always

Always alive

You and I.

Evan Begg 10-05-04

I find it amazing how accurately kids will express themselves at times.  Actually quite a lot is making me tear up at the moment.  It is likely that I have too much to do in the next few weeks and that the stress level at work is enormous.  I am working on an alternate dive for the kids.  I am trying to get Townsville organized and there are personnel issues that I have to deal with as well.  Other than that work is quiet. 

 

We are going to have a Christmas BBQ and Carolling.  It is a good idea to get all Levi's friends together before we leave.  It does remind me a lot of this year and Frankie wanting so much to stay up but just not quite making it that far!

Look at this sweet curly haired kid.  Last night Levi was back on the topic of death which is also a little hard to take at times.  He said;

"Mum, you are going to die before me, but you won't be lonely in heaven waiting for me, because Frankie will look after you until I get there.  Then we can all be together!"

It is a lovely thought.  I hope it works that way.  I hope it's not for a long time.  I hope some one's looking after Frankie now until I get there.  It seems like so long ago.  And it still feels like today.

Hanging On

This week I feel like I am just holding on.  Work is unpredictable and hard.  Seaworld said 'No' to he dive for the Shark Bait kids.  I have no trouble with that, what I am mad about is that they waited until 2 weeks prior to the dive.  Last year they waited until 2 days before the dive to say Yes, so we all just assumed they would again.  I wish they didn't have enough divers or the sharks were sick or the coral needed to be replaced or really any other legitimate excuse.  Instead? Yes they cancelled the dive because they didn't have enough marketing staff to escort the media around.  I think they have lost the plot if they think that is a real reason to disappoint those kids.

Marriott has come to the party but can only do the Monday after the weekend would have been.  It means that we creep closer to the date that Levi and I fly out.  At least I will have a couple of days to try to work out what exactly I need to pack.  I have an Advert Calendar for Levi to count down the days to flying out.  I need to alter the dates so he hasn't got it yet.  It is now less than 25 days so he will get a bit of chocolate that first day!

Yesterday I went to the official launch of the DMD registry.  I was happy that we have finally got to the point where the idea of collating information prior to studies rather than after has been broached.  Pam and I then had to leave at 4.30 to get home.  I think that every major arterial between Nundah and Samford was blocked with an accident.  It was crawling.  Part way through I then had to address my other major issue.  There is just no real back up to get Levi.  The After School Care ends at 6pm and I have to get him before then or pay $10 for every minute after that.  I called the farm and no one answered.  I called my friends in town and the only one who answered was Pete and Cheryl, who were holidaying in Caloundra.  I think that I did 110km/hr across Eaton's Crossing road.  Pam got dumped at the corner and had to walk to her car (She missed Touch Football).  I did manage to get him with 2 minutes to spare but I think that my blood pressure was above 200.

Everyone at work and at Levi's school are getting tired and kind of drawn thin.  There is more of a frustration edge to everyone.  The kids are wilder and more fragile.  I think that both Levi and I are just holding on.  Holding on through gritted teeth.  Holding on for 22 more days!

Sunday

Today Ruby came over to play.  Her Mum and Dad are away for the weekend.  Well, they are in town, but with Powderfinger finishing up with weekend, there will be some severe partying and so Ruby and Hugo are being sat for the weekend.  Ruby was over all day and I thought that she would be much more into the baby goat than she was.  Interestingly Levi was the one who wanted to hold him and pat him.  We spent lots of time going up and down, finding nice food for the poor mother goat, who is still recovering from birth, surgery, blood loss and likely being in labour far longer than perhaps she should have been.  The kids had loads of fun though.  They played Lego, painted, caught tadpoles and ran around after chickens. 

Life and Death

Today, the mother goat had to have a Cesarean section because the second twin hadn't come out by this afternoon.  It is fascinating to watch the vets do it, with local anaesthetic and standing up, compared to the special delivery room and procedures that humans are lucky enough to get.  Unfortunately the baby girl was dead, but I think we all knew that as it had been nearly 24 hours since the first had been born and normally they follow in minutes.  She had jammed by delivering hip first, and so was unable to get through.  The baby boy is doing really well and drinking well as well.  He is still beautiful, but it is still a pity that he doesn't have a sister as well. 

Last night there was an impromptu get together as the whole family gathered to welcome the little goat and to have a bit of a play with him.  Levi had lots of kids to play with and esp had Robbie who he loves.  They wildly ran around downstairs and played loud and energetic games until well into the night.

We had Shark Bait Kids again this morning.  As we had gone to bed very late, even Levi didn't get up early, so we both woke up, about 5 minutes after we should have left.  In a frantic race around, we still got there almost on time.  It continues to be loads of fun.  Levi did some more diving and I think that I got some video of it this time, as he was on Mary's tank, not mine.  I hope I can upload it soon.

New Baby

Here is the new baby in our house:

 

Powderfinger

Levi had so much fun!! It was great.  First off I took him out of school at about 12.30 and we went home and napped.  He and I snuggled up in bed and eventually he nodded off.  He was so excited it was hard to wind him down, but eventually he settled and slept for just under an hour.  He had a shower when he woke up and then we had a half an hour to kill.  Zac and Alex were over catching tadpoles in the slimy green goose dam.  By the time I got up to the dam Levi was already there.  He was inordinately self controlled and even told his friends that he couldn't catch taddies because he had to stay clean. 

Then Georgie and Ruby came to pick him up.  They had dinner and played around back stage.

 Ruby, Levi and Ian

After they had dinner, they wandered in and out of Jet.  They had perfect seats and could go backwards and forwards with the other Minifingers (the kids of the band).  Levi got his own Minifingers All Access Pass and a wristband that would get him, well, anywhere really!

Then Powderfinger came on.  Levi loved all the drama of it all.  He loved the music but he wasn't as used to the sensory input of lights and music.  Even with the headphones on, he really only coped for 2 big songs.  I got a text from Georgie and came in and picked him up.  In the meantime, Pam and I had decided to go out to see Inception.  She didn't have any appendages that night either, so we went to dinner, bought movie tickets and right as we almost got into the cinema, there was a text, to go and get him.  Oh well, it was fun to drive fully into the back of the River Stage while the band was playing and get the mancub.  The whole way home, he raved about how much fun it all was!

He will be talking about this for a while!!

Not Much

OK I wish that I could say I am having a fantastic day today, but it wasn't much better.  On top of that, pretty much the whole office had a bad day.  One of the young Physios that I work with cut a kid today with the cast saw.  We have all done it and she did it less than most.  She barely broke the skin.  When I did it as a young Physio in Michigan, the poor guy needed 10 stitches.  Yep, I never do anything by halves.  This sweet thing was so upset, it took me about an hour to calm her down.  The child's Mum was very relaxed and even called later to see how the Physio was doing. 

Levi has been as excited as any one child can be to go to the Powderfinger concert with Ruby.  Tonight he said that he thought that I was going and that is why he was so excited.  He said he didn't want to go without me.  I don't think that it is easy to stop at this point, but I don't really understand why Levi is so freaking timid.  It drives me nuts at time.  He gets these great opportunities but he stresses about them.   It is not that different from just going to her place and playing, but if it's a bit different, he is nervous.  I am trying to see it from his point of view but I'll have to say, sometimes it is hard.

My work isn't much better.  It is still stressful but I have some wonderful people that I work with in Strathpine.  We went for coffee this morning, and it was nice to just be with some normal people, talking about normal things and reacting normally. 

Long Day

I love my work.  I love seeing kids and interacting with families, but that is not all of what I am now.  Now that I am more of a big cheese, it has become harder.  I am not a big cheese, or even a Tasty Cheddar, probably more of a Gouda or Colby.  I love the kids more than anything and I love to help the families, it's dealing with the staff issues that gets hard for me.  Today made me uneasy again.  I hate feeling like that.  It made me change the way I drove home and look over my shoulder again.  OK to be fair, I drive a different way home everyday without a trigger, but I don't really look over my shoulder any more.  It is weird for me to be thrown by things like this.  It is always a time that I feel like there is the distinct possibility that someone is going to take a swing at me.  If someone actually does take that swing, I am fine, because I just react, but it is more the threat that sits there unacted on.  Then my imagination takes over and I can think of plenty of things that are worse than that simple punch.

Levi is always a balm for me on days like this.  He has a very simple look on life and it begins and ends with me.  That is great but there are days when I just want to be able to 'not cope'.  I want to have days where I don't have to pull it all together as soon as I reach After School Care.  I wish that I could just come home and curl up into a foetal position and someone brings me a cup of coffee and is just there.  I love Levi but it is unrelenting.  I get a lot of peace from him, but at times, just wish that I could have just 1 minute when I didn't have to be firing on all cylinders.  I have days that I wish I worked somewhere like McDonalds where the worse that can happen is that some one's hamburger is wrong. 

Yes, I'm grumpy and tired.  Tomorrow I will be better.  Either that or I will pick myself up again and keep going regardless

Sunday

Today, we played, and played and played!!

Saturday

 Levi playing underwater

Today was better all around.  Levi was lovely to have around.  The only downside to yesterday was that now he wants me to lie beside him when he goes to sleep.  I love to, but I have to be careful that I don't indulge that too much.  He would then need me to do it every night. 

Levi loves the Shark Bait Kids.  He swims with the kids for a little while and then he gets out and draws with whoever is out of the pool that day.  It wipes him out but he loves it.  The routine is then that we get him Maccas for lunch and then go home.  We have some quiet time and then we do something else.  Today we worked.  I mowed and he attacked the prickly weeds with big spikes of metal.  Where he found the big spikes I've no idea but they were longer than his forearm and looked like railway spikes.  He wielded them for about an hour.  Once again he has gone to bed early. 

And so it starts again

Friday, Pajamas and Movies

Levi has been really tired and is starting to not cope at times.  He is on a hair trigger and will cry at the least provocation.  I had Friday off and so I took Levi out of school.  I have to remember that he is really only five and really only five and a quarter.  School has been hard work for him, so I shouldn't have been too surprised.

I took him out and we stayed in our Pajamas and watched movies most of the day.  He painted and played with Legos, but the most important thing was that we had no agenda, no timetable and no need to DO anything.  It was heaven.  The other and likely more important thing was that Levi napped for 2 hours and then he asked to go to bed at 6.30pm instead of 7pm.  I think it reset him.  He woke up a different boy and has been back to the coping, sweet boy that I am used to having around.  It has been a blessing.  Now lets hope that it lasts the 35ish days left.

Freezing

Last night, Levi was again completely trashed.  He is just getting more and more tired.  I am hoping that he can pull it together for the full week.  There is a part of me that thinks he is just a little too young for these long days at school.  I do like that he is at school but I'm not sure that he needs to be there just yet. He loves it but at this time of the year he is just exhausted and there is no real light at the end of the tunnel for several weeks.  Some of it is my fault.  I am working every Saturday at the moment with the Shark Bait Kids and Levi spends most of that swimming around and generally interacting with the kids.  They love him there and always ask where he is if they haven't seen him yet.  But it does mean that there is little time on the weekend for him to have 'no agenda'. 

Kids these days have so much less freedom.  Admittedly we had way too much, but there is a happy medium.  I know that I am failing him a little in this.  As an only child, he has to either play by himself or play with me and that leaves him either completely on his own or playing adult directed games.  Even if I don't direct the games, there is still an adult there and then the play is different.  It means that he works at it a little no matter what. 

Anyway he is tired.  Last night putting him to bed he ended up crying himself to sleep because he was "freezing to death" and "going to die of the coldness".  Now it's hot here and Levi (and I) both run hot anyway.  He was in PJ Shorts and no shirt.  He wouldn't wear more and he wouldn't put the covers on, all of which added up to me to just being WAY too tired and that he just needed sleep, even if he had to cry to get there quickly.  Sweet boy.