Turn the radio up!

There are just those days that you have to revert to one of the 'rules'.  When Frank died, I made up a whole lot of 'rules' to help me navigate the horrible first few days and the worse next ones.  It seems that on down days I seem to revert to one or more of those rules to help you make it through the day feeling like shit but still being professional at work and loving and attentive at home.  Now when I am not at work and Levi is asleep I can let my guard down a little and vent to a faceless blog.  I can look back on the day and on the week and laugh inside about my coping skills or lack of them.  I can look at the day and forgive myself for feeling like shit.  I can "Turn the Radio Up".

Right after Frank died and I had to pack up his room and drive home, I realized something in a more concrete form.  It was a coping mechanism that I had already used but not formally recognized.

"That is so loud I can't hear myself think!"

I can still hear my mother say it and you know what it is actually True!!  You can turn the radio up and sometimes if you know the song well enough and you turn it up loud enough, you really can't think.  You can only hear the music.  Now I have done some real investigation into this and just noise doesn't really work.  Loud discordant noise is just tiring when you are struggling.  Even songs that you don't know aren't helpful just because your brain doesn't follow them along.  I had the radio up this afternoon. 

We have a new family who just found out that their little boy has Muscular Dystrophy.  It just sucks all around.  I always need to turn that radio up on the way home from those appointments.  I always need to go to bed early and spend some time before I sleep, hugging that (Oh how So) precious little mancub