Hangover

I feel like I have a hangover. Not a real one. In fact I've never had a real one. I think that I have Uncle Harvey's metabolism for alcohol, but luckily didn't also inherit the addictive personality with it. I think this is an emotional hangover. I think that I am just emotionally fatigued and likely that has been the problem all week. Just when I think that I am coping well without Frankie, comes a day or a week that I am really just not quite coping. I can't believe that it has been 7 years since I last held Frank, my arms still miss him. Much as I love Levi it is amazing how much your arms can still miss the other. as Levi ages he reminds me more of Evan and lately Ross than he does of Frankie. Much of that is just age related as Frank was never the happy school boy that he would have been, that Levi is. I love Levi so much and in that love itself is how much I miss giving him the privilege of meeting, playing with and loving his own brother he resembles so much.

Levi continues to get sicker, but it is not a scary illness. He breathes too fast and wheezes but it is never scary because it responds to Ventolin and it goes away. His lungs have a minor problem that is solvable and treatable and it doesn't scare me at all. He copes and runs around and stops when he needs. It is all very calm and I know that he won't die of this asthma. Still at night his breathing wakes me at times, with that heart stopping fear response. It is only for a second, but it still takes a while for my heart rate to return to normal and longer still to return to sleep. I think I am not just hungover emotionally, I am also tired; really really tired.

And I wish that Levi would get better; I wish that I could hold Frankie even just once again.

I wish, Oh I wish.