Nine Years

Nine years is a really long time. It doesn't feel like nine years. It feels like ninety years that I have missed him. It does dull you know? That really searing pain of the first few years of missing him has damped a little. It turns into something different. It turns into something more like an ache. It isn't an easy ache and at times it is almost worse than the searing pain.  In a way though, it really does get a little easier.  I can't help but remember Frankie today.  I can't help but wish so many things.  I wish that even one of the things that I had wished for him at birth had come true, or more correctly, true for longer than a few months. 

When your baby is born.  You wish big things.  You wish that your baby will be happy and healthy.  You wish for a long fulfilling life for him.  You wish that they know little pain and only enough to make them better people.  You wish for so much for this beautiful life that has just been placed in your hands.  You believe that you can give much of that to them as well.  OK, I don't know what everyone wishes, but it was what I wished. 

  

In a way I got what I wished.  Frankie was happy, really happy for much of his life.  He had pain I know but he was happy through all of that.  He had people who loved him and he loved back with all of his huge heart.  He laughed and played enough for a lifetime.  Frankie had a very fulfilling life, albeit not a long one.  I can only continue to believe that.  He knew what he was here for.  He seemed too know anyway. 

 So maybe I got what I wished for but not the way I expected.  I will have photos to remind me.  I will still dream Frankie dreams at times and I will believe that you will be remembered, because I will remember you.  I will tell your brothers about you if they forget and I will tell Levi about you so he can have memories too.  But I will miss you and I will still cry myself to sleep tonight because much as I say that it is getting better, tonight it isn't better.  Tonight I long for you to be here.  Tonight I will regret every minute that I have not had you here.

Goodnight darling, wherever you are.  I still miss you.  I still love you and I will love you forever.