Fears

It is forty days until Easter.  We don't celebrate Shrove Tuesday, although I will have to say the name 'Pancake Tuesday' holds a lot more appeal!  I am excited about the forty days though, because that means that it is forty days until school holidays.  Levi did his talk at school today.  I asked him if he was happy about it and he said;

"They all laughed in the right place, so they must have liked it"

I think that is a good judge.  He said he was happy and that he loved talking to all his friends. 

They say that the two greatest fears that people have are death and public speaking.  It seems he is afraid of neither and I think that is a good place to be.  Maybe he will grow into both of those, but I hope that he keeps the child's view of both.  That public speaking is about talking to your friends and dying is about going to play with your brother.  Perhaps some of that is just genetic.  I don't really fear either of those.  I have fears, I can assure you but they are not death or public speaking.  I used to be afraid of speaking in front of a large number of people but don't any more.  Some of it is just maturity.  I have something to offer, and they either will recieve it well or not, either way is not a reflection of 'me' but a reflection of the information or the way I presented it.  I can make mistakes with both the information and the presentation, but it won't be because I did it deliberately and won't therefore impact 'me'.

Death is a different ball game.  I have always seen death as the easier job.  The person who gets to die is then done.  They either go somewhere else or they don't.  They either return to the wheel or cease existance.  Either way, they no longer feel.  It is the people left behind that have to continue feeling in the same plane as before.  I hear people saying that they don't fear dying but fight ridiculous fights against it.  I hear those people in my family.  I see very religious people saying that they are excited about 'meeting Jesus' but watch their fear as they fight against the inevitability of death in relatives.  Really regardless of what's out there, what is there to fear?  I am sure that regardless of what's out there, once you are there you will no longer feel fear!

Don't get me wrong, while I thought that there was the possibility that we would beat Frank's illness, I was prepared to fight hard.  But once that delusion had passed, I was not prepared to fight death hard.  I know for sure that Frank didn't fear death at all.  I know for sure that on that dark day, we were both begging, praying for it.  I miss him desperately but I don't ever wish that he was still feeling that kind of pain.  I don't fear death.  I see it very much as Levi does.  It is about going to play with people who I love desperately and have missed; my son, my brother, my father and my beloved grandmother.

Maybe Levi does have fears though.  He did wake up this morning and say he had had a nightmare.  I asked what it was about and he said that it was a dream about someone taking his scooter.  Oh I hope that his nightmares stay as benign as they are at the moment.  If that is his fear (he has two scooters), then I think we can make the next few years quite sweet!