Finding My Feet

We have been back in Australia for just under a week and back in Brisbane for a little over a day now.  In that week I worked in Townsville for Shark Bait Kids.  It was fabulous, really.  It was a great effort from all people involved and it was incredible the amount of work that went into it.  We made it to several different media and may increase the number of volunteers in Townsville by the program alone.  It is fabulous to be a part of a program like this and it is consistently an honour to work with the therapists that I work with.  Levi was great too.  He was looked after by my nephew Sam and spent the evenings surprising everyone by just where he could fall asleep. 

We were both lagged and it was stretching his tolerance but he did an admirable job of holding out until it really was night time before going to sleep.  At dinner one night he fell asleep at the pub just before his dinner arrived.  He was so tired that I just lay him on the floor of the pub while we ate dinner.  The next time he woke it was morning! 

Today was the first day of Grade 1 for Levi.  He is with Luke but not the rest of the gang and I think that it is a good thing.  It is really good to mix it around and let him make a bunch of friends in different years.  It gives him a deeper pot so to speak.  He was all pissy when he got home because he wasn't allowed to go and play outside because he didn't have a hat.  I had neglected to find it before school and in the microsecond that I had before that.  Poor kid.  I might have to buy him another.  At the moment it is just too hard to find anything, let alone a hat and his chair bag.  Oh well, bad parent award again!!

Is it really worth it?

 I have been lying in bed trying to sleep this morning but failing miserably.  I have to say Goodbye to Ross and Evan tomorrow and Robert and Ken on Sunday.  Once again it is almost beyond me.  It would just be so easy not to and I think that is the biggest problem of all.  Tomorrow I could get a job at the hospital and be paid at least what I am paid now.  Oh I wouldn't be a 'manager' but for me that definitely goes on the 'Pro' side not the 'Con' side, esp as being a manager in Brisbane has given me almost zero joy and has certainly had more work involved than I think anyone imagined. 

Tomorrow I could buy a 4 bedroom house here on a big chunk of land for $200K.  The housing prices are incredible at the moment and it is definitely a buyers market.  Heck, if I tried hard I could wait a bit and get a house for less.   At a fixed interest level of 3% compared to the massive interest I am paying in Australia, I might even have a hope of paying it off sooner!  It is funny, but I keep thinking about the housing correction that Australia is supposed to do soon and fear that soon, my house in Australia won't be worth much either.  Levi loves his brothers so much!  I feel like a bad mother taking him away from them and know that their time to be able to be around and play with him is growing short.  Ross has only two years before he leaves school.  He is growing into a lovely adult but in 18 months when we come back he will be just that, an adult.  I know, it's Ross he will still play with Levi, but it is hard to know how much time they are losing.  The other day day introduced me to his friends, still using the "this is my 'other mother'" title.  Heart warming but it still ripped me apart.  I am missing his life as well as Evan's and it makes me really sad to contemplate that.

 It comes down to what you move anywhere for.  In reality it was the schooling that finalized my decision.  That and the thought that I could get some help in Australia.  But is Brisbane Boys Grammar really worth all that has been sacrificed for it?  I like the idea that Levi go to a boy only school, because he is in such a girl dominated environment, but that is not true in USA, in fact it is the opposite, he would live surrounded by boys and men who love him dearly.  I will admit, the schooling is better but I don't even know if I will be able to afford BGS when the time comes.  I am frantically trying to put money away into a school account but is it really worth the amount that you have to pay to go.  In the cold hard financial truths of this world and watching them put the fees up furiously, I think that unless Levi gets a scholarship, my chances of being able to afford to send him are low.  And is St Mary's or Sacred Heart that different?  Yes the education level is lower, but surely I could supplement that and I am more likely to have the resources to do that here.

I wish that these things were easier.  I write this on an internet that uploads easily and free while in Australia it is slow and they charge like a wounded bull.  It frustrates me that Australia seems to only take the bad stuff from USA.  They follow dumb trends like their life depends on it but simple efficient tools like the internet and cell phones are worked on weird archaic dinosaur systems in Australia.  Why can't we take those systems, the ones everyone likes?  Why do the Australian people not look up and say "Why don't we do that?"  This is starting to sound like a rant.  It didn't start that way, but I am sad and I don't want to leave my family (again).  I wonder what it would take to move back?  I am not wishing for any of this to happen, mind you, I was just wondering about coming back so it crystallizes my reasons in my head for staying in Australia.  My job in Australia is better, certainly not better paid, certainly not better compensated but still better.  I love what I do there and wouldn't really love what I do here, but could perhaps get to a point where I do.  If Jo died tomorrow and Jane managed to stay more than 3 days in China, I think I would come back.  If Levi did, I would be back in a heartbeat.  I can't imagine dealing with that kind of grief and having to look after others at the same time.  If I lost my job, I would be back. 

 I have lovely friends and family in both places now.  It kills me to think about leaving USA, but in a few weeks and after I have been crabby for a few days (OK weeks - Sorry work friends), I settle back in, because I am not unhappy in Australia, I just miss my family.  The other thing that I miss is Frankie.  In USA, they all knew him.  They talk about him as a real entity.  THEY miss him.  I feel like Frankie is in the background at times in a way that he never is in Australia.  I don't get that there because no one has the basis for it.  No one knew him as well as anyone here.  I feel that as I walk away from USA again, I am once again walking away from his memory.

It's OK, I will be OK in a week or so and helping to clean up Brisbane will be a welcome distraction.  I will put on my happy face and soon it will not just be a mask! 

Maybe there are a few things that Levi might not miss though, like this face plant!

Skipping forward

Yesterday, I was out Christmas shopping with Ross (now 15), Evan (now 11) and Levi.  Levi still firmly believes in Santa Claus and I have no reason, religious or philosophical to not just allow that to happen.  So they needed some presents for Robert and Ken and Ross needed a present for his girlfriend.  I needed more from Santa. 

Early in the piece I explained to Ross and Evan that we would have 2 sections of the cart and that one of those sections would be the hidden section.  They got into it and helped lots; distracting Levi at critical times, readjusting coats so that they covered critical parts and even helping me to choose gifts.  So with all of that we managed to get to the car without Levi once noticing that there were extra gifts there.  In fact they have made it to being wrapped in special paper waiting for the big night. 

The best part though happened at the car.  Levi was in his car seat with the door closed and Evan looked pensive for a minute and said;

"You must have had shopping trips like this with me when I was little and I never knew!"

Sometimes I love watching kids mind's mature.  It was true but much harder.  There were no big kids to help with the distraction.  There were more small kids to buy for.  But it is a beautiful thing to watch them grow older. And it is lovely to watch them become more.  Evan's next comment;

"Thank you so much for that"

Have I said how much I love these kids.  Have I said how much I will miss them again when I leave.  Have I said how much I miss Frankie in the holidays!

Tar and Imagination

Go back about a week.  We got off the plane at about 7am US time but this time it took a long time to get through customs; not because they held us up but because ours bags came off last.  WE were met by Robert and Ken.  Levi loved them instantly as you would expect and then the next 12 hours involved the daunting task of keeping him awake for at least most of that time.  We went looking for fossils.



Levi testing his strength against tar



Robert, Levi and Ken



Levi loved the La Brea Tar Pits and was able to touch and move things so it kept him awake well.  There was a quick moment in one of the movies that we thought we were in danger of his drifting off to sleep but he was fine.  The great thing was we were in the sunshine and that goes a long way to reducing lag.

So the next stop was Universal Studios.  It was really quiet which is bad for them but perfect for us.  Levi had really open run at the playgrounds and rides and there was very little waiting in lines.  I think it would have been really hard to entertain him in a line that day.

 We found Jaws (several times) and played in water sprays.  It really was a beautiful Southern Californian day.  There was the tour on the little cars that get caught in an earthquake and get whacked around by King Kong.  We saw the plane crash from War of the Worlds and other things that made it interesting for me as well as Levi, who loved the bells and whistles.

 It was a good time to just chill out and let Levi get to know Robert again without lots of other people vying for his attention.  I knew that it would be another almost week of just the four of us together, so it would give Levi and Robert a good grounding again.

We ended that day by going to Mimi and Robert's place (Ken's brother and Sister-in-law).  They were great.  We carried in a sleeping child and they just showed me to a bed that we could put him.  It is great staying at houses where they have children themselves.  A sleeping child is just universal.  Put him to bed!

Back Online

This morning I am finally back online.  I have had a long period between 'drinks' but rest assured we were having fun!

Lets go back.  I went to the Shark Bait weekend on December 4th and then never really made it home again.  The weekend away was great and fairly peaceful.  But it rained, and rained, and rained!  The creek came up and we were flooded out of the house.  So we had a fantastic dive,

and then didn't get home; really again!  So now I am due to leave for USA, where it is cold and snowing and all I have is the clothes, togs etc that were packed for the weekend to the Gold Coast, in the summer.  Once again friends and family stepped up to the plate.  We stayed Monday and Tuesday nights at Brian and Di's house and then the final night at Jill and Jim's.  The only thing that I was really concerned about were the passports and I kept making up strange ways of getting them across the river.  Everything else we could get in USA or had already been bought in USA and left there.  The weather did however co operate.  In a brief window on Wednesday, the creek was drivable, just but drivable.  I took off and switched out the clothes that I had and packed quickly (too quickly) for USA.  Yes I forgot stuff and didn't pack enough this and too much of that but it had started raining and for me the worst possible scenario was me stuck in and Levi stuck out!  So I grabbed the passports, threw stuff back in the car and drove out again before the creek rose again.  The stuff adventure is made of (that and high blood pressure). 

Jill was lovely and dropped us at the airport before she went to work and we started the big adventure!  The first part of which was to get upgraded to Premium Economy.  Now that was a sweet deal!  The only downfall was that the bar between our seats couldn't be lifted, so Levi couldn't spread out to sleep on the plane.  Luckily he could make do!

We were met off the plane by Robert and his friend Ken.  Levi ran to Robert to give him a big hug, so any fears that I may have had that Levi didn't remember were allayed at that point!  Then we started our adventures, but not before stopping at a clothing store to pick up a couple of things that I knew I hadn't packed: toiletries, Levi's shoes and other non important things like that. 

I hear the boys up now and will write up the next week tomorrow!

Friday!

Levi and I are down the coast tonight.  In one of those days where time just seems to disappear on you, finally we are settled and calm again.  I drove Levi to school and then went to see the movie "Voyage of the Dawn Treader".  I wanted to see it while I had a chance.  I was actually mildly disappointed.  It wasn't as good as the first two and I had high hopes.  At one point I wanted to go to Cleveland and see the Dawn Treader with Levi while they were filming but we never got there.  I kept trying to see Cleveland in the background but it was hard to do.  I think that the Dawn Treader was a softer book so to speak and I am not really sure in the biblical overtones of it all why it was even necessary.  I did like the dragon though.

I picked Levi up from school, delivered a Christmas Cake for After School Care and got organized for the coast.  Then we spent what felt like a day in traffic.  In the wet, there had been a multi car accident and we crawled for miles.  I think it was great.  We chatted, sang, played and laughed!  In fact there were a few times that the cars beside us joined in!  Maybe we should have closed the window!

Now Levi is curled up in bed.  I am on the computer and I am back to the stand by of drinking my cup of tea out of a saucepan, because the cups are tiny. 

Tomorrow Ty is coming down to play.  It is supposed to be wet and yuck all day but frankly I just don't care.  I am just as happy to slowly wander around and play in the pools and playgrounds.  Tomorrow night I think that both Pam and Mim are coming down.  The beds are tiny, but they are pretty tiny people.  It will be a good night I think. 

Tired

I am so tired I can't even think.  I can't even begin to think.  It seems like everything is just ramping up.  I can't wait until it ramps back down again and I get to actually have a single thought without having to have ninety thoughts at once just to keep up with what I have to do.  I wish that I could clone myself just for the next few days. 

I am hoping that this weekend there will be a little more space in both my head and in my diary.  The last Shark Bait Kid dive is this weekend and Levi and I go down tomorrow afternoon to get organized.