Is it really worth it?

 I have been lying in bed trying to sleep this morning but failing miserably.  I have to say Goodbye to Ross and Evan tomorrow and Robert and Ken on Sunday.  Once again it is almost beyond me.  It would just be so easy not to and I think that is the biggest problem of all.  Tomorrow I could get a job at the hospital and be paid at least what I am paid now.  Oh I wouldn't be a 'manager' but for me that definitely goes on the 'Pro' side not the 'Con' side, esp as being a manager in Brisbane has given me almost zero joy and has certainly had more work involved than I think anyone imagined. 

Tomorrow I could buy a 4 bedroom house here on a big chunk of land for $200K.  The housing prices are incredible at the moment and it is definitely a buyers market.  Heck, if I tried hard I could wait a bit and get a house for less.   At a fixed interest level of 3% compared to the massive interest I am paying in Australia, I might even have a hope of paying it off sooner!  It is funny, but I keep thinking about the housing correction that Australia is supposed to do soon and fear that soon, my house in Australia won't be worth much either.  Levi loves his brothers so much!  I feel like a bad mother taking him away from them and know that their time to be able to be around and play with him is growing short.  Ross has only two years before he leaves school.  He is growing into a lovely adult but in 18 months when we come back he will be just that, an adult.  I know, it's Ross he will still play with Levi, but it is hard to know how much time they are losing.  The other day day introduced me to his friends, still using the "this is my 'other mother'" title.  Heart warming but it still ripped me apart.  I am missing his life as well as Evan's and it makes me really sad to contemplate that.

 It comes down to what you move anywhere for.  In reality it was the schooling that finalized my decision.  That and the thought that I could get some help in Australia.  But is Brisbane Boys Grammar really worth all that has been sacrificed for it?  I like the idea that Levi go to a boy only school, because he is in such a girl dominated environment, but that is not true in USA, in fact it is the opposite, he would live surrounded by boys and men who love him dearly.  I will admit, the schooling is better but I don't even know if I will be able to afford BGS when the time comes.  I am frantically trying to put money away into a school account but is it really worth the amount that you have to pay to go.  In the cold hard financial truths of this world and watching them put the fees up furiously, I think that unless Levi gets a scholarship, my chances of being able to afford to send him are low.  And is St Mary's or Sacred Heart that different?  Yes the education level is lower, but surely I could supplement that and I am more likely to have the resources to do that here.

I wish that these things were easier.  I write this on an internet that uploads easily and free while in Australia it is slow and they charge like a wounded bull.  It frustrates me that Australia seems to only take the bad stuff from USA.  They follow dumb trends like their life depends on it but simple efficient tools like the internet and cell phones are worked on weird archaic dinosaur systems in Australia.  Why can't we take those systems, the ones everyone likes?  Why do the Australian people not look up and say "Why don't we do that?"  This is starting to sound like a rant.  It didn't start that way, but I am sad and I don't want to leave my family (again).  I wonder what it would take to move back?  I am not wishing for any of this to happen, mind you, I was just wondering about coming back so it crystallizes my reasons in my head for staying in Australia.  My job in Australia is better, certainly not better paid, certainly not better compensated but still better.  I love what I do there and wouldn't really love what I do here, but could perhaps get to a point where I do.  If Jo died tomorrow and Jane managed to stay more than 3 days in China, I think I would come back.  If Levi did, I would be back in a heartbeat.  I can't imagine dealing with that kind of grief and having to look after others at the same time.  If I lost my job, I would be back. 

 I have lovely friends and family in both places now.  It kills me to think about leaving USA, but in a few weeks and after I have been crabby for a few days (OK weeks - Sorry work friends), I settle back in, because I am not unhappy in Australia, I just miss my family.  The other thing that I miss is Frankie.  In USA, they all knew him.  They talk about him as a real entity.  THEY miss him.  I feel like Frankie is in the background at times in a way that he never is in Australia.  I don't get that there because no one has the basis for it.  No one knew him as well as anyone here.  I feel that as I walk away from USA again, I am once again walking away from his memory.

It's OK, I will be OK in a week or so and helping to clean up Brisbane will be a welcome distraction.  I will put on my happy face and soon it will not just be a mask! 

Maybe there are a few things that Levi might not miss though, like this face plant!