Pippy was down with us the last few days because the rest of the household is down at the island. She doesn't suffer by this (obviously)! It has been difficult for me, not because of the dog but looking after the rest of the farm. At extremely short notice, I am having to 'do' the farm and organize getting Levi to school. It has just got to me in the last few days. I think that I am just sick of being Unipolar in a Bipolar world. Now I don't doubt that it is hard to be bipolar at times, but I think it can be freeing at times too. I don't want to be bipolar, but I am tired of being the person who has to pick up afterward. I am tired of being responsible. I am tired of being reliable.
1. I want Financial stress to be 'the time waiting for someone else to bail me out' rather than the crushing limitation on social activity and spending
2. I want to be the fun aunt, buying expensive presents for my nieces and nephews, because if I run out of money whatever ... see number 1
3. I want to be able to change my plans instantly regardless of who that will affect, because, hell, I'm the only important person on earth
4. I want to make up stories and lie without any accountability, because if I get found out, I can always just make up a bigger lie to cover the previous one
I wish that I could have some days that are just about me. I know. I know. I wouldn't know what to do with a day like that. I would love a day that I could just hand over some burdens, perhaps cry on someone's shoulder. Nah!
But I am just tired and cranky. I mostly have empathy (OK not tonight!), but I think I am just at the end of this candle. The candle that I started burning at both ends and then without any control, someone else lit it in the middle as well.
