Today was Levi's last day of Grade1. They had a Christmas program, where they had a little story to talk about Christmas and then they sang a song ... a bastardized Jingle Bells. The kids had a blast. I noticed something with the orientation of the kids when I was watching Levi. None of the kids sing for the group. I mean they are all standing in a group and I am sure that in practice they were all able to stand in a straight line looking out, but not in reality. In reality, the kids all face their parents and sing for them alone. They turn their whole bodies and face the people that they love and sing their little hearts out. Levi did that too. So what was once, momentarily, a straight line becomes jagged, but sweet. Levi's teacher said that he stressed out until I arrived but relaxed as soon as he saw me. 
I coped about three minutes into the whole scene and then started crying. You know, I didn't even mark this as an occasion that I had to be careful at. I hadn't thought that suddenly I would miss Frankie with an affect like a knife in my chest. It comes on so suddenly! I never know when it will rear it's ugly head and bite my backside again. I was watching that beautiful boy singing and I lost my thoughts in the other child. I was so proud of Levi. I never forgot him in that but there is that edge that I just never know is there and you never know when it will drop out from under you. Eight years it has been and yet there are days that it was still yesterday. I feel at times that Levi will always wonder why at his happiest moments, his mother was always sad. Actually I was proud and sad and happy and every other emotion. Maybe that was the problem, too many emotions all at once!I was very proud of Levi too. They had a Secret Santa where all the kids brought in a present labeled 'Girl' or 'Boy" and then they sat in a circle to get a gift. When all the gifts had been given out, one little girl was missing one. Before she really even had time to get too sad, Levi got up from his space and very quietly offered his present to her. I was so proud of him. No prompting. No one asked him to. He has a beautiful heart that boy. His teacher saw it all and actually split one of the 'Girl' presents to solve it, but I was so proud that I nearly split. And then, of course, I cried!
I'm sure Levi's singing was fantastic! I love little kids singing together ~ they're always adorable.
ReplyDeleteI'll confess that hearing you still have really hard times of missing Frankie 8 years after he died scares me a little. I guess I wanted to think that eventually it gets better and you stop being so sad & it stops hitting you when you least expect it. It makes sense that it doesn't, though. He is your son... you're never going to stop missing him & loving him & wishing he were here to be doing the things that Levi does. Anyway, it scares me a bit, but then I look at you & I see that you still cope & you're still "okay", and that reassures me that I will be, too, when my day comes to be walking where you're at. Thank you for sharing honestly. It helps other moms like me.